Fire and Ice: Redux
by meggomaheggo
Summary: Rosalie: married, but barren. Leah: friendless, imprintless, alone. They have more in common than they'd like to admit. But what happens when Leah tries to find her way out? And has to find her way back? finally complete!
1. Prologue

**A/N: This is the teaser. We're going back in time after this, and this is a weird story. Claire was like "I love you but you are a crazy mofo for thinking of this." **

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It's always darkest before the dawn. Proverb._

_I felt like my almost-step-sister, turning to her worst enemy in her darkest hour._

_Only I didn't have a dawn in sight._

I slammed the car door and ran up to the Cullen house, sobbing.

"Rosalie," I whispered, "Please."

She was on the porch instantly, light beaming out of the door behind her. She looked like a fucking guardian angel. Even through the driving rain, I could see the tiny braids woven through her loose hair. She glared at me, impassive.

"Rosalie," I cried out, trembling, "I'm scared. I'm alone. You---you've got to know what that's like." I swayed and fell to my knees. _CAREFUL, _my body shrieked at me.

She just stared at me, wavering. Confused and compassionate warring with hated and disdainful.

"I need your help," I murmured, the world fading to nothing but mud puddles and agony.

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	2. Fang for Fang

**A/N: These are going to be pretty episodic for a while, showing the events and mindset up to the breaking point. (Basically author bullshit for these are really short and will be for a few chapters. Eh.) R/R por favor! :) ~Leah**

_**Five years ago:**_

_An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth. Proverb. _

_Fang for fang, more like._

I had to hand it to us. If we didn't hate each other so fucking much, we'd be quite the pair.

I glared at Jake who was glaring at _her_ who was glaring back at Jake.

Yet another thing we had in common.

"Jacob," I snarled, lungs tight, "Can you at least be mature about this baby timeshare shit?"

His glare turned to me. So did hers.

Wonderful.

"If you don't like it," she said, pale eyes flashing, "You can go attempt to find anything with a pulse that wants to bang you. Or jump off a cliff, whatever'll kill you faster."

I bared my teeth at her, determined not to let her see how much that one hurt.

"With a pulse, huh? Well then darn, I guess that means your husband is out. I was looking forward to ruining your marriage. He wishes he could fuck some_thing_ warm for once."

"Language," Jake growled. I flipped him off.

Princess's face crumpled for a millisecond, then she gently and carefully passed Nessie to Jake without disturbing the flow from the chrome bottle in the baby's mouth. Another millisecond and she was standing in front of me, nose to nose. I could practically see the icy disgustingness billowing off of her hair.

"Yes, Blondie? Did that one _hurt_?" I said, staring her down. There wasn't much she could do to me without enraging the pack against her.

"Not as much as this is going to," she said, picking me up by my hair. I snarled, bursting into wolf form, knocking over a table, a couch, and Barbie. A crystal vase of flowers tipped over, spraying broken glass and water all over the floor. Jake shot up, handing his precious imprint off to one of the hoard of vampires that had appeared at my outburst. They formed a solid wall of ice in front of Nessie, and Jake stepped forward, shoving Rosalie aside and back.

"Rosalie, uncalled for," Jake snarled, before turning on me. "Leah," he almost screamed, "Go." The Alpha came through even though he was human, and I shied back like a kitten, turning tail and running, crushing through the doorframe haphazardly. I took one leap off of the porch and was gone, back away from the stupid frozen bitch who was only one step less miserable than I was.

Inside, she had to resent Bella too. In waltzes this random ass chick who not only drives your brother insane with bloodlust, marries him (the one being that can find anything wrong with you), gets everything she wants, but---icing on the cake---she just so happens to have the child you've been trying to find a loophole for for half a century or so.

That's GOT to piss you off. Especially when you're temperamental in the first place. But she needed Nessie too much to risk tearing Bella to shreds.

And again, begrudging and angry, I couldn't blame her. I'd do whatever it took to bring Sam back, but it wouldn't work. I growled. Seth was sleeping in the woods, no need to give him nightmares.

_Leah that is fucking unacceptable. _

_Jesus, Jake, just shut it. I don't want to hear it and I'm not going to listen. Rosalie is a frigid bitch who's one step higher on the food chain than I am, and I'll resent her if I want to. Now BACK OFF. _

He snarled at me, moving to cut me off in my circuit. I wheeled to face him.

The hurt radiating off of me made him step back.

_Yeah, you've got your fucking happy ending, Jake. So leave me alone. _

A sleepy Seth roused himself and started trotting towards me.

_It's okay, Leah,_ he said, stifling a yawn, _I'm here. I'm coming. _

I sighed heavily. Seth and Mom were the only ones who really needed me, and Seth really really needed me. Not only because he couldn't cook, find his socks, or finish his trig homework, but we'd never been apart for more than a few days.

_It's okay, Sef-Matt,_ I said, using the name I'd called him as a baby.

_Yes ma'am, Lee-Julie, _he replied, finally trotting up and leaning next to me. Jake started edging away, ready to go back to Nessie. I lifted my chin at him, basic wolf/human sign language for 'fuck you too, dude', then laid down, Seth resting his head on my paws. I put my head on top of his, sighing a little further.

_I'm glad you're here, Seth,_ I said quietly. He smiled.

_I'm glad I am too, Lee---ah. _

He knew better than to call me Lee-Lee anymore. And that's why I loved him.

I thought of Sam again and shuddered.

I could handle it. I was certain.

_At least for now_, I thought, closing my eyes.

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	3. Epiphany

**A/N: Okay, this just depresses me. R/R, we get to the meat of the story next chapter, no worries. Also, I don't own SM's Twilight. That would be apparent, however, in my abuse of her characters. Poor Lee-Lee. Sigh. **

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It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Proverb._

_Yeah. Bullshit. _

I stared towards that murdering vampire bitch, pacing at the corner, playing a waiting game for Seth. He was apparently sleeping, covered in bone braces down one side of his body and snoring. The stupid bloodsuckers were just destined to try and take everything in my life away from me. Everything that mattered, anyway.

My mother, sucked in by Charlie, sucked in by Nessie and Bella.

Jacob, my alpha, almost killed by Bella and obsessed with Nessie.

Seth, almost fucking KILLED by fucking BELLA. And hero worshipping her husband. I glared toward the house again, then took off into the trees, too angry.

And despite Bella's obvious UNWORTHINESS, and her blatant lack of concern for the welfare of those around her, i.e. the people I loved, _she got the whole shebang. _Adoring husband, adorable child, immortality, and superpowers. And she was STILL a bitch.

At least Rosalie had a reason. She compensated her barrenness with designer clothes and fucking her buff version of Michelangelo's David. Marble coldness included.

They'd strangled everything I loved.

Even my life.

Even my Sam.

He wasn't the same. I still loved him, but he wasn't the man I fell in love with and learned to trust.

People saw him as more whole, thanks to Emily. He wasn't. He got angrier faster, he was shortsighted, he tried to look overconfident when really he wasn't. He made hasty decisions.

He was less _Sam_ than he was pre-werewolf.

And _they _were the source, the first domino that caused the gene to reappear and the wolves to start howling again after decades of silence.

The jaded waves of bitterness washed over me, and I bolted faster, digging into the soil with my claws. It was the way I dealt. Outrunning, outworking, attempting to outmaneuver everything. But I could feel claustrophobic, like rain clouds were pressing on my brain, about to cover my eyes. I'd make it.

I was fast enough. For now.

Suddenly I skidded into a clearing, unexpected iciness stabbing into my nose.

Alice and Jasper turned and stared at me. I snorted angrily, turning to leave.

"Wait, Leah!" Alice said.

The strangest feeling came over me, like I was calm, even though I knew I should be angry and worried over Seth. I was tired, even. I slumped to the ground a little. When was the last time I'd slept? I couldn't answer the question. Jake'd been scurrying off to watch Nessie sleep, so patrol had been tight. I settled onto my forelegs, looking almost contentedly at the vampires I hated.

"Jasper," Alice said, scolding.

"She's almost making my head explode with stress and anger. And pain," he added, calmly. "Think of it as a headache cure." She twisted her lips at him. Even under the vampire's stupid emotion blender spell, I felt a nasty twang of bitterness and jealousy. A matched pair. Perfect. Meant for each other. Destined, for fuck's sake.

Jasper turned, staring at me with dark eyes as he exuded another dose of painkiller calmness. It didn't work. There was this point in my mind that realized it wasn't real. My life still sucked, I was still alone except for a healing baby brother, a slowly vampirizing mother, and a disintegrating, imprinting-left-and-right pack that I was a beta of.

I stood up, Jasper's flimsy control over my brain failing, my emotions solid as rock and impenetrable to the golden haired vampire. His brow crumbled and he moved closer to Alice, my feelings overwhelming him. He needed her near him. She was _his_ painkiller.

Alice focused on me for a moment, trying to flicker her eyes out into future mode, but I was wolf. It was impossible. She finally stamped her foot.

"Leah," she sighed, staring into my eyes. My ears twitched to hear my name. While I was slumped down, our faces were almost level. "I'm sorry. I can't find anything about you. If I start to see another human, and he disappears, I'll call you. I'm sorry," she said again. Like that fixed anything. Like she'd even see someone for me.

I glared at the ground. Now that I wasn't running and Jasper's painkiller buzz was gone, the clouds that constantly threatened to take over my mind were looming. I swallowed, my eyes burning. I needed to get away. Alice's face twisted into a sympathetic mask, though, and I knew she could smell the saline threatening to drip from my eyes.

_Just go, stupid worthless bitch_, I hissed to myself, but I couldn't make my feet move. _Let them be happy alone without your negative energy. _

With a terrible stab of shock, I realized that my subconscious had finally figured something out, for once.

**Leave the perfect pairs. You'll never be part of one.**

**Leave him.**

**You're only a nuisance. Everything you do bothers him, makes it harder for him to be perfectly happy. **

**Your purpose has been served. Leave. **

_I can't,_ I thought feebly, _He hasn't asked me to. _

**Weak. **

_Ye_s, I thought softly, trembling so hard that Jasper moved Alice behind him slightly and faced me, teeth bared.

"She's thinking things..." Jasper said quietly to Alice, his face spasming. "Emotions are never this strong unless...except for death throes. She's...she's thinking things that are killing her." He gritted his teeth at the tenor of my feelings, and the raw, crushing force that was, truly, killing me. The thoughts leeched through like poison, dripping down into ever fiber of my being.

If I existed to protect Seth, comfort Mom, and help...Sam...

_My life is pointless. _

Seth was obviously fine without me, and I was no help, evidenced by his current, snoring, healing state.

Mom worried about me more than I brought comfort to her. I'd been pretty much the shittiest daughter ever, between werewolfing out and Sam and Dad---she didn't need me either.

And I only made everything worse for Sam. And Emily.

My trembling muscles suddenly unlocked, and I was running, faster than I had when I'd first phased, faster than I had after Dad's death, faster than when I'd fled from Sam, more for his sake than my own.

I twisted and turned and ran until I didn't know which way was up or down. When I couldn't run anymore, my body collapsed on the ground, writhing with seizures. The dirt around me turned to mud with my tears and thrashing. A sound ripped from my throat.

I didn't howl. I screamed.

An endless time later, still seizing in hysterics on the ground, Quil found me, followed closely by Embry. They couldn't get near me for my screaming, but Embry bravely dove for my head, teeth bared. He landed on my neck, and I didn't have the will to fight back. Quil bit into my back, trying to haul me up. They were both thinking things, and I could hear them, but not their words. It didn't matter. I didn't matter.

I was worthless.

That was the last thing I knew before the world went black.

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**Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreview.**


	4. Opportunity Knocks

**A/N: This is the chapter that's actually important. So read it. And review it! Note: dark as hell. As in suicide stuff.**

**Jada: yeah, last chapter made me really really sad to write it, too. :( But things get better (sort of)!**

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_Opportunity knocks but once. Proverb._

_But it knocks like a shotgun shell to the heart. _

It'd been years. It'd been too damn long.

Sam and Emily's second child was due in a month. Their first, Susie _Leah _Uley, was a chubby three year old. They had the nerve to name her Leah.

Claire was eight, and I'd seen her school play about vegetables. Quil gave her a standing ovation, blocking the view of about thirty angry parents.

Embry'd finally worked up the courage to ask his mother who his father was. Turns out he was half Uley, which relieved everyone a little bit. Then, he imprinted on my cousin Eve, my dad's brother's daughter. No relation to Emily. There'd been some brief mess with her boyfriend, but that was years ago. They were at community together now.

Mom and Charlie were together, still. Which meant I was Bella's sort of step-sister. She lived in Forks now, visiting most days---babysitting Susie or helping Emily or trying to coax me out shopping.

Somehow, I'd held it together enough to be the maid of honor at Seth's wedding to his imprint, Natalie, and they'd just found out that she was two months pregnant.

And I'd agreed to be in Jake's wedding, now only a year away. Nessie was ecstatic and beautiful. I loved her, cherished her in a way I couldn't explain, even though I hated her family. Maybe she was some bizarre sign of hope for me. I mean, she'd pretty much had the shittiest first year of life ever. And she was a wonderful, beautiful young woman. My love for her was the deepest thing I felt, and...

And that wasn't saving me either.

I was barely existing anymore. I lived alone.

A year after the Volturi fiasco, Seth had taken out a prescription for anti-depressants and gave them to me. I was almost hungry for them at first, hoping they might bring an end to the constant downward spiral of my life. I'd take the dose, and I'd act a little better, as if they were working, to please Seth and Mom. But they weren't. After a while, I refused to take them. Then hopeful little Seth tried to hold me down and force them into me. I threw him against the wall and broke it. After that, he started crushing them into my food, hoping that I wouldn't notice. If I smelled them in anything, I wouldn't eat.

Hurting him sucked my life away a little faster.

The heat and sadness had burned me away. My hair was short for the pack, the only reason I ate anything at all was for the pack, and the only thing I did with my life was run patrol. I didn't want anything else, because there wasn't anything I could have.

Sam, Seth, Mom, Quil, Jake, Nessie, Embry, even Claire, they were all happy and safe.

They didn't need me.

Worthless.

And this day, I decided that I wasn't getting up anymore. I was going to lay here, alone. And tonight, I was going to die.

Starved to death. Alone, silently screaming. I'd been screaming ever since my epiphany in the forest.

_Worthless. _

My main question was: why was I still alive?

So I decided to die.

It almost worked, but I had an inspiration. More like divine intervention.

I was standing in front of my mirror, diagramming from head to toe how broken and useless I was. I'd covered the top half of my body, from ugly face to weak shoulders to broken heart, and my hands were resting on my stomach. For a second, even with my emaciated, starved frame, it looked like I was cradling a pregnancy. A child.

I continued to stare at my stomach in the mirror.

This was really why I was imprint-less. This was why I was broken.

This was why I was a wolf.

But...what if I wasn't a wolf?

For the first time in five long, terrible years, I felt hope. I had purpose.

I stared at myself in the mirror for the first time in years, my eyes opened. My hair was dull and lifeless, and my eyes glazed. I could count every rib. Ropy scars traced across my arms and legs. I traced the thin line where Jake had hamstringed me in the bad ol' days. Then I ran an absent finger over the slashes I'd cut on my wrists, arms, legs, collarbone, one long slash across where my heart should be...

The cuts had to be very deep to last as scars. I'd found that out the hard way, sinking the blade deeper and deeper each time.

I trembled.

How had I done that to myself? Hopelessness is worse than any other type of depression, I thought. It lets you die slower, hurt deeper.

I still didn't like myself even remotely, I realized, but I couldn't stay the way I was. It scared me too much.

I sprung into action after that. I packed all of the money that had theoretically been for college, along with a large suitcase full of clothes. After a moment of indecision, I took the cell phone the Cullens had given me for Christmas as a peace offering. I could at least prove to Mom and Seth that I wasn't dead without giving away my location. I grabbed the necklace Seth'd made for me for his wedding, a tiny carved wolf, fastening it carefully. I dashed out before I could lose resolve and took the car Mom had left me when she moved to Forks with Charlie. The roof was tough, but I finally tugged it down, folding the thing back into its compartment.

I tore out of La Push, passing a startled looking Jacob and Billy Black as they sat on the porch. No doubt they'd tell Mom and Seth I was leaving. A few minutes later, as I nosed onto the freeway then started screaming the hell out of there, I saw a few wolves streaming through the woods, trying to follow the beat up old convertible that some moron had bought and left the roof open. Seriously. Wettest place in the continental states. The pleather was cracked and weather stained, but it ran well...enough.

Finally, I had to pull over on the shoulder of the road to Forks and hurdle out of the car. I walked into the woods a few feet, and was instantly confronted with Jake, Seth, and Quil. Seth phased.

"Leah?" he said cautiously. When had his voice lost its final nervous, youthful squeak? I'd missed it all?

"Hey, Seth," I said. He stared at me like I was crazy---which, of course, I was. I was just different crazy now. Purposeful crazy instead of dying crazy.

"Where're you headed?" he said, glancing at Quil and Jake anxiously.

"I don't know."

"Leah Juliet Clearwater," he hissed sternly, his eyes narrowing. I gave him that big-sister, you've-got-to-be-kidding-me-bro look.

"Seth Matthew Clearwater," I said back, rolling my eyes and smiling a little. My face wasn't used to smiling; it was weird and hurt, the muscles withered from lack of use. He glanced at Jake and Quil, startled by my cavalier attitude, I guess. I could tell, as Quil stared at me, that he was thinking of the day he'd found me, screaming, worthless. They both shuddered, and Seth's lip trembled.

"Leah, should I be worried? You know you can't lie to me. You're my best friend." He swallowed, tears springing to his eyes. Poor baby, I thought, my face falling into its normal wrinkles of melancholy. I'd forced him to grow up too much.

"You're my best friend too, Seth," I murmured, reaching out to stroke his hair.

"Then you _can't do this to me!_" he cried out, the tears spilling over down his face, "You can't just---leave us here---leave everyone you love!"

"I'm not killing myself, Seth," I said calmly. All three of them flinched violently. He whimpered, lurching toward me, his shorts almost falling off. "I promise. I swear." Seth's lip pushed out. A smile came to my face. I missed him. I dove in for a hug, crushing him to me one last time. He hugged me back, but seemed very startled. I crashed a kiss onto his cheek, stepped back, and gave a small salute to Jake and Quil.

"Bye guys. Love you. Miss you. I promise these aren't my last words. I'd think of something better." I turned and flew back to the car.

I was always the fastest. Even with the junk car, I got back and was roaring down the highway before Jake could figure out what to do.

I slipped my sunglasses on.

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**...And so a new chapter begins in Leah's life. But how the fuck is she going to accomplish all of this? I'll tell you once I write it. Review! **


	5. Washington Blows

**A/N: Just to recap: Leah has gone pretty much bat shit. She is making the attempt to stop phasing long enough to get pregnant. As such, if you don't like crude humor, well, why are you reading a Leah fic. Also yadda yadda I don't own Twilight and don't wish to, etc. **

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_It never rains, but it pours. Proverb. _

_Fuckin' Washington. _

The car sped along Route 101. I looked off to the west, where I could practically smell the coastline through the highway smog. However, I'd lived here long enough to know when the rain was coming, and so I reluctantly pulled over, warning blinkers flashing, and tugged the rusty, reluctant convertible roof up. As I struggled and cursed, I saw an SUV pull over ahead of me. I ignored it until I realized its driver was walking towards me. I whipped around defensively before realizing it wasn't a pack member. I didn't know him.

He walked nonchalantly up to my car.

"Need some help?" he said as I took in his artistically faded jeans, faux tan, and his whole 'designer' look. I rolled my eyes.

"Get the other side," I sighed. With both of us tugging, the roof finally closed as the misty drizzle started to thicken.

"Thanks," I called to him, bundling my hands inside the pockets of my hoodie out of habit. He walked to my side of the car.

"Where you headed?" he said, smiling too brightly. Uh oh. No way in hell was I gonna be able to take him hitting on me.

"Nowhere," I said, glancing out at the road. It was true in one sense.

"I see," he grinned. "I'm Steven."

"Leah," I said reluctantly. "Well---"

"If you're going nowhere, want to grab a burger?"

"No," I said flatly. I tugged open the door, but he reached out and took my hand. That froze me in my tracks. I hadn't been touched by someone who wasn't a werewolf in...years.

"You're sure?" he said, eyes locking mine.

Part of me wanted to go to dinner with a random guy. Be normal. Isn't that what I was attempting anyway?

No. I wasn't trying to be normal. I had a more important goal, tantalizingly far away. A goal that would only take longer if I lost control at any point and phased.

"Sorry," I said, grimacing at him and climbing into the car. "Thanks, Steven." I started up as he walked back to his SUV.

Control. I could work on it.

I revved the engine and sputtered back onto the wet highway, reluctantly putting away my sunglasses. No stereotypical teenage road trip for me. I was alone, it was raining like fuck, and I was a werewolf desperately trying to figure out how to get pregnant. Kind of the opposite of any beachy movie from the fifties. More like the horror/thriller flick where I survive until the end after being knocked up with an alien baby or something but then it eats its way out of me and I die in its sentient, crying arms after hearing it say 'Ma-Ma'.

I shook my head. Back to the real world. Back to business.

I had to stop phasing. Let my body get back together again, then...go to a sperm bank? Nope, I thought, shuddering and grimacing, I'd have to give my name and phone number, stay in the hospital for fertilization. Jake would ask Carlisle to keep an eye on anything medical or hospital related happening all along the West Coast, in case I turned up comatose or bleeding to death. I wanted to be untraceable. So I'd, what, have to just find someone to bang? I shuddered again. Well, I had at least a month to figure out how exactly to get some guy's jizz into me. That was a whole different beast than my control issues.

I acknowledged grimly in the back of my mind that they would be scanning the newspapers for an Indian woman dead under suspicious circumstances, or a nameless body found hung or shot. Suicide. Seth would be ready to murder me when---if---I returned. Deserved, yes.

I passed an exit for a town named Clearwater. Mom had always told us as kids that, before the reservation was formed and our tribe was larger and more spread out, Dad's people had come from here. I'd thought it was cool that we had a whole town named after just us, but then I figured out that we were named after the town, which was probably named after a lake that was good to drink from. I was thoroughly less impressed with myself after that.

The trip to Hoquiam was kind of a blur. I subconsciously followed the familiar highway despite the fact that I hadn't driven on it in probably two years. I got on a different road in New London, then drove through Hoquiam. I couldn't stop. Not here. I was too close; they'd send patrol or a Cullen-mobile down.

This was getting more and more complex the further south I drove.

I hopped on Route 12, getting a little bit more lost. I needed to head to a place where I wouldn't be found. Somewhere big. Seattle was out; I was heading in the wrong direction and that was too close to home for comfort. I squinted at road signs as I passed through towns. I finally cranked the radio, about to go mad from silence. It was crackly and annoying, but the station mostly came in.

After too long, I began to see bright blue and red signs. Route 12 had morphed into the superhighway, Interstate 5. _That _was a good way to get somewhere.

The road numbed my mind after a while. I saw signs for Portland when I realized that I was, a.) starving, b.) almost out of gas, and c.) practically asleep at the wheel. Well, I'd been driving for about six hours. Portland was good for the night. I blearily made it into the deep city, got lost severely, but then pulled into a motel parking lot. I swallowed nervously, then pasted on a cheap smile and booked a room for the night. The apathetic twenty something behind the counter shoved a key at me, took my money, and went back to texting.

The room was mediocre, not like I cared. I'd find a nicer place when I got to where I was staying. It had good water pressure, which was practically a godsend, I thought as I stepped into the shower.

Half an hour later I was prowling the street, wrapped up in a very old sweatshirt and jeans that had once been Seth's. My stomach snarled at me, getting angry for not feeding it. I sighed, picking up the pace a little as I searched for a suitable restaurant. I finally couldn't stand my hunger anymore and veered towards a burger joint, not bothering to look at the name or clientele as I took my seat. A pale busboy shyly brought me water, but I stared down at the table, focusing on stopping the trembling of my hands. I needed to stop my anxiety, or I wasn't going to be able to stop phasing.

"I like your jeans," the busboy muttered, blushing.

I also needed to figure out how to interact with people again.

"Uh," I said, glancing down at them. "Thanks. I stole them from my brother." He grinned and walked away.

Crisis averted. I grimaced at the thought as an overly peppy teenage waitress walked over.

"I'll have a double cheeseburger, fries, a salad, and a coke," I said as she tried to hand me a menu. She blushed at me. I tried to smile reassuringly, my face creaking. "Sorry, I'm just hungry."

"Wh...what kind of dressing with your salad?" she stuttered, scribbling on her pad. "And how would you like your burger?"

"Bleu cheese, medium rare. Thank you." I added as an afterthought as she scurried away.

Focus Leah. Don't be a bitch. I was kind of surprised how awkward I felt, even though my inner emotional climate was unchanged. All of those fleeting, surface emotions had come back; awkward, frustrated, fixated. I was still worthless deeper down, but instead of depression, I had a tiny spark of hope deep down. Hope for a possible child. I shivered again, pulling my hoodie tighter.

When my food arrived, I dove into it relentlessly, undoubtedly almost biting my own fingers off in the rush to get calories into my system. It was hot and greasy and good, and it burned my worry away.

Note to self: food equals less anxiety equals not phasing.

Equals baby.

Equals reason for living.

I had a few more rules to figure out, I thought, staring pensively at my massacred plate. Not phasing rules. Chill out rules.

Aromatherapy, maybe. Music, definitely. I'd need to buy an mp3 player of some sort.

But that was a job for tomorrow.

I paid and left, following my own, rain washed scent back to the crappy motel.

When I finally fell asleep, I dreamed. I hadn't dreamed in at least three years.

Figures it'd be a nightmare.

Sam laughing at me mockingly morphed into Seth crying into Jake glaring into Nessie crying into Mom just staring at me. Then she turned into me, comatose and writhing in blood, covered in scars.

I shot out of bed, arms wracked with spasms.

"Stop it stop it stop it!" I hissed to myself, hyperventilating. I slowed my breathing with effort. My arms slowed their vibration a bit. Finally, in frustration, I fell to my hands and knees and started doing push ups, concentrating on counting and recounting. By the time I got to seventy-five, I'd calmed down. My arms burned, and I rubbed tears and sweat off of my face.

_Exercise, _I thought, panting. _Something that helps. A little. _

I collapsed onto the pillows again and slept hard until morning.

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**Review: to view again, literally. You don't have to do that much, just click the green button and type some words. So really you're getting off easy. :) **


	6. Rome to Sacremento

**A/N: So hey guys. Sorry for the wait, I've been at camp, then away, and now here it is. I'm panicking in back to school mode, so this might be the last update for a little while. Although, I've got most of the next chapter...I'll see. That one might go up, but then there's going to be a little wait while I finish my work and go back to school.**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, I don't own Twilight, dumb shits. _WARNING:_ this is where the story gets to be questionable. Next chapter is where Leah tries to get pregnant. So, if it's not your thing, skip the next chapter and say: Okay, it's an immaculate conception. Thanks for reading, XOXO Leah**

**Another note: a guido is a guy who is so Italian it's really painful to be around. If you are a guido, I'm sorry I've offended you, but I figure they don't read Twilight fanfic much, so. But question: are they only an east coast phenominon? I live in Jersey (guido central, regrettably). Feedback? **

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_All roads lead to Rome. Proverb. _

_Yeah, maybe in Italy. All of my roads lead to California._

When I woke, it was about nine, according to my phone. My hair was a mushroom cloud, and the sheets stuck to me, wrapped around me from my thrashing nightmares.

Shower was a must.

Some sweats, a tank top, and a damp ponytail later, I was trying my damnedest to hightail it out of there, but my bag had other ideas. I cursed under my breath as it spilled open, dumping sweaters and jeans and underwear all over the sidewalk of the motel. A few doors down, two sweaty guidos watched me swear at my suitcase, shoving everything back in.

"Did you hear that one last night?" one muttered. Still focused on my suitcase, I heard his lips contract as he took another drag from his cigarette.

"Yeah," the other replied, a little louder. "The walls are pretty damn thin." He grinned at his companion. I'd frozen, heat tickling my veins. "She sounded like she was getting _some_thin'." My throat sealed up.

"Yeah. Damn, man, she sounded _hot_." The other one laughed as he pretended like he was jerking off to my turned figure.

I snarled, heat coiling in my arms. I pushed everything sort of into the suitcase and ran back into my room.

Forty-seven push ups later, I picked up my bag and walked calmly to the car, one or two tears burning their way down my cheek. I threw my bag in back, slammed my door shut, twisted the keys in the ignition. I turned. They were looking at me. I glared like death at them, then sped away, not looking back.

Nine terrifying, exhausting hours later, I was in Sacremento. So hungry it felt like I was going to throw up, swaying on my feet as I rented a cheap hotel room for an extended stay. I didn't have unlimited money, but I had enough to pay for almost a year of college. Everything I'd ever worked for. I was all in in this round. I was as good as playing Russian roulette with one empty chamber of a gun, instead of one full one.

I ordered room service. A lot of room service. Just for tonight.

If I didn't or couldn't get pregnant, I was probably dead.

_So, _I thought, shoving random clothes in random drawers, _I'd better...call home. _

I picked up my cell phone, currently plugged into the wall after dying. I had several voicemails and probably twenty texts that I didn't bother looking at.

The tiny silver thing felt fragile in my hot hands as I held it to my ear nervously.

It only rang twice before Seth picked up the home phone.

"Hello?" he said, his voice dull and bordering on tears.

"Hi, Seth."

"HOLY FUCK LEAH!" he shouted. "Leah, I'm sorry. Don't do this. Please. Tell me where you are, I'll be there in a second, don't worry! I can help you, we can work something out---"

"Seth," I said quietly. "I told you. I'm not killing myself. But I'm not coming back." I could hear his anguish on the other side of the phone, and a rattling noise told me his hands were vibrating as he tried to keep calm.

"Leah, come home! Please! We're all sorry! _He's_ sorry!" I froze.

"This isn't about him," I lied uncertainly.

"Leah _Leah LEAH!_ Sam is SORRY!" he howled. "Please come back, I miss you! I can't do anything without you!"

"Seth, I love you. Tell Mom I love her."

"Leah, _don't _hang up this phone!"

"I'm not. Yet. Listen carefully," I said. I was surprised. I'd done well. The only visible sign that I was stressed was the slightest vibration of my fingertips. "I'll come back when I've done what I have to do."

"_What is this shit?_"

"Seth. Listen. If I don't come back---"

"Leah where are you?" he sobbed. "Please come home!"

"Seth. If I don't come back, it's not your fault. It's no one's fault except mine. I promise. I love you."

"_LEAH!_"

I hung up.

The room echoed with silence as I curled up under my new sheets, crying my eyes out for a brother who was better than I would ever be. I heard the long lost echo of his howl as if he was right next to me. But he was hundreds of miles away.

A lifetime later, I dug out my razor, grabbed a belt and a towel, walked into the bathroom.

_Worthless._

_Cruel. _

_Hurt. _

Blood from the deep slash in my upper thigh gushed redly down the bathtub drain. I hosed off my leg after a few minutes, strapping the belt above the cut, tight enough so that I wouldn't quite bleed to death while it closed over. I wiped everything off, wrapping the towel around my leg. I felt my blood clotting, the skin covering over itself. It was almost a relief, to know I could heal from anything.

Well, at least my body could. Heart? Another story.

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I spent most of my time wandering around the city. Sacremento was big enough that I wasn't going to see anyone I knew. I didn't have much of a purpose. I bought an mp3 player and a dozen CDs, used a computer in the library to cobble the thing together. The librarians looked at me funny, but didn't really complain. The place was big enough that, while I became a sort of regular, I never had to explain myself or anything. I just sat, reading, day after day. I didn't apply for a card, unsure if my current address qualified as 'home'.

It was a waiting game. Again.

A month passed. Nothing.

More cuts, more despair, less time out of my dark room.

I was closing in on seven weeks of no phasing, and I felt like a junkie. I twitched hopelessly whenever something happened. I was doing probably close to seven hundred pushups a day.

But then, miracle of miracles, I woke up at three AM. My stomach hurt, and I smelled blood.

I just started crying, I was so happy. There really aren't words to how relieved I felt. I could continue.

I'd never been so happy buying tampons.

Then began my next major problem. Who could I get to have sex with me? I shuddered every time I thought about it.

I began counting days, sweating bullets. Finally, I went out and bought an ovulation test kit. I had approximately thirteen days.

Two days in advance, I finally couldn't put it off any further. I flipped through the yellow pages, embarrassed, finally found a suitable looking agency. All men. My heart rate picked up as the phone rang.

"Rogue Adult Services, Ashton speaking. How can we put a little joy in your day?"

"Hello," I said uncertainly, "I'm calling for..." I took a deep breath, "A guy. For Thursday. Night."

"Two days from now? Alright. Any special requests?"

"I...I need someone who won't..." I took a deep breath again, blushing so hard I wasn't sure if I could speak. "I need someone who's not going to wear a condom."

"Huh. That's an interesting one. We usually get the opposite. Well, all of our guys are certified clean. No diseases, et cetera. So, any other requests?"

"One who's not going to ask too many questions. I'm not on the run or anything, but...uh, I'm kind of embarrassed, I guess."

"Sure, sweetie," Ashton reassured me. "I know just the guy. Where you at?"

I gave him the address and the room number, arranged for payment, then he said goodbye and hung up.

"Holy shit," I choked out.

I was going to have sex in two days. With a prostitute.

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**ahhhhh I hope you cringed at that awkwardness too. **


	7. Knife or Gun or Lies

**A/N: AAAAAAH. Okay, disclaimer etc., okay. This is the mature chapter. Leah is trying to get pregnant.**

**AHHHHHHH. So, if this is inappropriate or you just don't wanna, don't read it. It's not terrible, but it's there. **

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_Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. Proverb. _

_Yeah. This is one thing I wasn't going to be prepared for. _

At least he was prompt.

He knocked at my door, and I had to steel myself to open it for at least ten seconds before I finally smacked at the handle. He stood in the doorway, smiling slightly tiredly at me as he held a post it with the address on it.

"Emily?" he said, reading off of the note. I twisted my lips. This was one of my paybacks. I got to be Emily Young for a day.

"My name's actually Leah," I said, making the effort to straighten my grimace.

"Carter. At your service." He was built nicely, I thought. He was wearing an open vest and jeans, which of course looked ridiculous. His skin was really nice though, I thought, my eyes trailing over his exposed chest, pretty tan, but not so fake. It came from genetics. I gulped. Genetics that hopefully he might pass on?

He closed the door.

"Anything you'd like to do?" he asked me kindly, seeing how frightened I was.

"No. Just...I guess you'll see," I said quietly.

I slowly pulled off my thin camisole and shorts, heart racing anxiously. His breath hissed in as he took in the sight of my scars. I felt entirely, irrevocably vulnerable in the matching set I'd bought, feeling absurd in the store while I stared in the mirror at my ugly, mutilated self. I was still rail thin, despite my renewed appetite, and my hair had grown out long enough to make me look normal again.

As if I was normal.

"Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies," I whispered to him, my arms folding across my chest. I didn't look away. I couldn't. I owed him that much, at least.

He looked at me, eyebrows raised as his eyes traced from the slash on my collarbone to the ribbons I'd carved on my thighs.

"You tried to kill yourself," he said quietly, "More than once."

I nodded.

"Okay. At this point I'm not sure a quick fuck is really what you need."

I gave a hollow laugh.

"Do these scars look new?" Some of them were, but they healed over too quickly for him to know that. "I'm recovering. And lonely. This is what I need." I looked at him, in the tight leather pants and open vest over bare chest that I knew the agency had probably forced him to wear. He was right, though. I didn't need a quick fuck. I needed to get pregnant. It's not like I could tell him that either, though.

He nodded unsteadily.

"I'm...not sure that I can do this in good conscience," he said. I looked at him strangely.

"You're too nice to be a prostitute," I said, mildly surprised. He gave me that 'the hell?' confused look people give when you say stuff that shouldn't make sense.

"Thanks for the stereotype, but it's a part time job," he said, shaking his head at me. I shivered, apprehension creeping through me. Most likely he'd reject me like everyone else I needed.

"So," I muttered, cheeks burning. Easily the most awkward thing I'd ever done. Well, actually, second most awkward. Calling the agency. That was a bit worse.

He smiled at me reassuringly, then walked closer and took my hand. He pressed it to his shoulder, drew me in, and kissed my lips softly.

I almost couldn't do it. I was shattered by the contact, the trust. But then I thought of the baby name book I had, stashed deep away where I couldn't see it, couldn't think about it.

I had to.

So I kissed him back. His hands wound their way into my hair, and I almost panicked again, but I timidly put my arms around him. He broke off and kissed my cheek, my jaw, my neck.

It was weird deja vu. I hadn't kissed anyone in at least six years, let alone been kissed. My face flushed as he moved down to my collarbone. I closed my eyes when his lips lingered over the first scar.

"I love your hair," he whispered, his tongue trailing into my cleavage as he tangled his fingers further in my hair. I was concentrating on the ceiling, trying not to get overexcited, trying not to phase. He kissed through my bra, then detangled his hands and undid the hooks with practiced expertise.

And then I attacked him.

No, didn't phase.

Just...yeah.

I can't say it was planned, but I didn't have to give him an excuse or anything. The whole "yeah I'm a werewolf trying to get pregnant" would have gotten me nowhere. Instead, my bra dropped to the floor as I pressed up against him, easing his arms out of his vest. His arms clamped around me, hands on my ass, as I wrapped my thighs around his waist. I felt unbelievably frail in his arms, and that was probably because I was, despite the serious amount of food I'd eaten in the past three months.

My breathing came in sporadic gasps.

_Focus. Relax. _It was a kind of mantra as he staggered towards my bed, pressing me to it.

"Nice and easy now," he said, sliding down my body as he peeled off my underwear. He straightened up to pull off his jeans, and I felt a tug, like he was leaving. But then jeans and boxers were on the floor, and he was stroking me. I reached down; he was already hard.

"Ever have trouble getting it up?" I murmured, blushing a little. He grinned.

"Not tonight," he said. And then, he gently eased into me. I tightened, took a few deep breaths, stopped the vibration in my hands, and relaxed.

In, out. Up, down. Easy as breathing. My fingers were still trembling, but we moved faster, in unison. My eyes finally snapped closed, breathing skyrocketing.

"Sam," I whispered, lost in my one night of weakness. I could pretend, for one night, that things had ended up like they had supposed to be. I could imagine his hands were on me, he was inside me, his teeth on my neck, my hands clutching his back.

When he came, my dream finally dissolved.

There it was. Fingers crossed, now.

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**AAHHHHHHHH review. **


	8. How to Succeed

**A/N: AHHHHHHHHHH**

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If at first you don't succeed,_

_You're fucked._

It didn't happen. I drove myself crazy for a week and a half, then bought a stack of tests.

Negative.

Negative.

Negative.

Worthless.

I couldn't get out of bed for a week, and I hated my period now. I spent the week after that staring at my dark walls, barely eating, barely drinking, barely existing.

Just like before.

The day before I was most likely to ovulate again, I was still alive, or what counted as. I decided to call Seth, maybe leave a message so he'd know I was never coming home. I pressed the call button twice. It'd call the last dialed number, and since I only called Seth---

"Rogue Adult Services, Ashton speaking."

"Shit," I whispered. "Uh..." My life skipped before my eyes. I had a day. I could try one more time.

"I'd like to order a specific guy for tomorrow night. All night. Carter."

"Let me see, yes, that should be fine, Miss. Name?"

"Leah Clearwater," I said. No more pretending. No more hiding behind Emily's name. I gave him the address again, and he didn't seem to recognize or mention. I mean, why would he? It was a different name.

I glanced at my phone when I was done. It was the twelfth of July. Susie's birthday. Everyone would be over at the Uley house, celebrating. They deserved it. I didn't. But that meant I didn't have to ruin his night, maybe even keep him sane until tomorrow. It rang six times.

"Hello, you've reached Seth and Natalie, leave you're name and number and we'll get back to you pretty soon. Thanks, have a great day!" Seth's recorded voice quipped.

_Beeeeeep._

"Hey Seth, it's me. I miss you. I know it's Susie's birthday, tell everyone I say hi, and tell the kid she's great for me. Same with Claire, alright? Tell her Auntie Leah loves her very much. And Quil's lucky he has her. And Embry and Eve are perfect. Tell...tell Mom that I'm happy for her and Charlie. And I hope everyone's okay. I'm sorry I won't be at Jake and Nessie's wedding. Tell Ness I love her. And Emily and Sam...It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. I love you both. And Natalie...I'm glad Seth's got you. Seth. Seth I love you. It's not your fault. I'm...I'm probably not coming back." I was silent for a moment. "I love you. I'm sorry. You're going to be the best---_best_---father ever."

I hung up and died inside. I couldn't cry.

Carter got here the next night and didn't seemed surprised that it was me. He almost smiled, but saw my face and didn't.

I wasn't smiling, wasn't as coy as last time. I'd left my entire world behind in that message.

I had sex with him as many times as I could. He came four times. That was what I was looking for. I thanked him when he was done, tipped him a ton, and fell into a coma.

I refused to buy pregnancy tests. I couldn't handle it. I slept and stared at the wall. For two weeks.

Then three. I couldn't let myself hope. I slept.

Three and a half.

I woke up at six in the afternoon and had to run to the bathroom, where I puked my guts out.

"I'm---I'm pregnant," I sobbed to the mirror, leaning shakily against the sink. But then lightning struck, and I stared at the scared girl in the mirror. The scared girl werewolf, who couldn't phase no matter what now. Or risk losing the only thing she'd managed to gain. Her baby.

"I need help," I choked to myself.

Ten terrifying hours later, I stood in the last place I'd have ever expected myself to willingly go.

_...try, try again._

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**AAAAAAAH review. Updating currently, this chapter was mainly a bridge.**


	9. Dawn

_**A/N: Back where we started. Hope you like, please please please review. xoxo Meghan/Leah**_

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It's always darkest before the dawn. Proverb.

_I felt like my almost-step-sister, turning to her worst enemy in her darkest hour. _

_Only I didn't have a dawn in sight. _

I slammed the car door and ran up to the Cullen house, sobbing.

"Rosalie," I whispered, "Please."

She was on the porch instantly, light beaming out of the door behind her. She looked like a fucking guardian angel. Even through the driving rain, I could see the tiny braids woven through her loose hair. She glared at me, impassive.

"Rosalie," I cried out, trembling, "I'm scared. I'm alone. You---you've got to know what that's like." I swayed and fell to my knees. _CAREFUL, _my body shrieked at me.

"I need your help," I murmured, the world fading to nothing but mud puddles and agony.

"Why." She said, softly, staring towards me with savage pity.

"Because," I spat, "I'm pregnant."

Her face was a golden mask of shock.

"_What?_" she sputtered finally. "You're a wolf! You couldn't---"

"I stopped phasing. That's where I've been." My fingertips buzzed. _Don't phase. You're almost there. _"It took two solid months. I'm pregnant. I'm sure." My voice lost its edge. "But now, I'm stuck. If I phase, my baby..." Tears choked off my voice. Her hands went to her mouth as she gasped, finishing my sentence in her head.

_...my baby will die. _

"I can't go back to anyone in the pack," I finally said, rain still dripping down my body as I kneeled in a puddle. "They'd start accusing me, maybe even give me an edict, and I'd phase. And he'd die," I said, covering my stomach. My toes were buzzing too. _Keep it focused. Concentrate. _

She was next to me in a flash.

"Do you mind if I carry you?" she murmured, gold eyes downcast. I smiled, nose burning, hands clenched, my sobs hitching as I almost laughed with relief.

"When did you get shy?" I whispered. She chuckled lightly, picking me up gently.

"Carlisle!" she called, but Emmett was there, directing her up the stairs.

"We heard," Emmett said, for once not joking or smiling, his face solemn. "Dad's waiting upstairs."

Rosalie placed me down on a medical table in a room filled with lights. Dr. Cullen was smiling his best bedside smile.

"Hello, Doctor Cullen," I murmured, glancing down at my stomach and fighting tears again.

"And you're asking when did I get shy?" Rosalie said, squeezing my hand. I gave a trembling, fleeting grin.

"Let's see where we are on the ultrasound, shall we?" I gently rolled my grimy camisole up over my still flat stomach. I clung to Rose's hand as he squirted ultrasound gel on my stomach. She laughed quietly when I winced from the cold. Finally, he pressed the wand to my stomach.

I stared at the screen hungrily, gripping Rosalie's hands so tightly they would have snapped if she was human. My throat was tight, and I struggled not to sob and keep still while he performed the scan.

After several agonizing minutes, there was little but gray on the screen. I felt like there wasn't enough oxygen, and tears kept streaming down my face. The test was wrong. I was broken. I would always be broken. No one could ever love me.

"Leah," Rosalie scolded, "Relax. He can't get a clear scan until you stay the fuck still!" She held my hands as I quieted the sniffles that threatened to break out into massive hysteria at any second.

He finally zoomed in on a small, light dot in the background of black.

"There," he said softly.

I stared at the tiny dot.

"The gestational sac is approximately four millimeters, which is average," he continued in his perfected quiet doctor voice. "You are at the four week point, again, approximately."

"Three weeks, six days," I murmured absently, one hand covering my mouth in awe. The tiny circle on the screen transfixed me. After a few minutes, Carlisle gently handed me a small, grainy print of my child, and I buried my face in Rosalie's neck and howled for pure relief.

"Hush, hush, little mother," she said, rubbing my back. She picked me up carefully, walking slowly up another flight of stairs and down a brief hallway before entering a room. She laid me down on a soft bed, tucking a dark blue blanket around me. She smiled as she smoothed my ragged hair from my face.

"Bonded by trauma," I choked out, rubbing tears from my face.

"We'll see," she said, her eyes clouded. As she pursed her lips, I could tell she was thinking _Now that's two people who have what I want. _

"I...I'm sorry. I didn't know where else to go, and god that sounds moronic, but...you and Carlisle are the ones who know most about babies and werewolves around here. I can't really go to another doctor." I laughed weakly as she flickered a smile. "And I know this is just yet another person rubbing in your face." Her mask fell and she sighed heavily, hiccupping.

"I'm tired of everyone else's happy endings," she spat. I grinned at her.

"Me too, Blondie. This is a step. This isn't my happy ending though." She gulped and nodded.

"What happened?" she asked me softly.

The story spilled out almost calmly. The months of waiting, the joy, my anxiety, Carter, the crushing disappointment, more waiting, Carter again, and now, the feeling of comfort that surrounded me, even as my nose burned.

"I'm not over anything," I finally murmured, half asleep, "Not at all. But I think this---my baby---will help. Make life worth living again."

Her eyes softened, stroking my hair. Her breath kept hitching, and it took me a minute to realize she was crying---or the equivalent.

"I'm not broken anymore."

"Honey," she said, the pet name dropping uncertainly from her lips, "You were never broken." I shook my head. "Hush, Leah. Listen to me. No one is broken. Especially not you."

I growled at her for a moment, finding my peaceful place. No matter what she said, she was wrong.

"Sleep, Leah."

I closed my eyes, the print of my baby in my hand.

"You know," she muttered softly to me, chuckling, "In the Bible, Leah was the first wife of Jacob..."

And before I had time to get mad at her for that, I fell asleep.

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"Was his name Carter?"

I opened my eyes. Instantly, I took the picture which was still in my hand and gazed at it, making sure it was real. I brought it to my lips, kissing it with a smile. I looked for the source of the voice. Alice leaned against the doorframe, balancing a delicious looking and absurdly full breakfast tray on her pinky. She glared moodily at the orange juice.

"Yeah. He's a nice guy. Why, did you see him?" I grinned in spite of myself.

"I kept getting visions," she said, sighing and bringing the tray to my side, "Of this random, mildly attractive guy in a strip joint. He had a locker with his stuff in it, and people called him Carter." I took a bite of an omelet, letting the warm cheese and mushrooms fill my stomach.

"Where's Rosalie? I might have to bite her for the Jacob comment." I scowled. Alice's face brightened.

"However you feel about that, Dinah _is_ a pretty name."

"Well...I do like Dinah. The boys' names aren't my style though."

"Reuben? Levi? Simon? Judah?" she rattled off, flashing me a smile.

"She's only having one," Rosalie called from down the hall.

I started to laugh, but ended up moving the tray as gently and quickly as possible and dashing for the door. I collapsed and vomited into the empty trash bin by the door. Alice was instantly there, holding my hair back, her cool hand against my forehead as I convulsed.

"Oh, Leah," Rosalie said, on her knees next to me, her hands on my sweating neck, beautifully cool. In my distress I barely had to repress the spine tingling anger vampires brought out in me.

"Morning sickness," I rasped, sitting back on my heels.

"Is this the first time?" Alice said as Rosalie took my pulse.

"Second." I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand. "Yesterday."

Rosalie stood me up, supporting me as I stumbled down the hall. She opened another door and helped me sit on the mosaic tile floor of the bathroom. Helpful Alice skittered in with a bottle of mouthwash and my duffel bag, leaving them before smiling at the two of us and disappearing. I stood shakily, thanking Jesus Mary and Joseph above for mouthwash. I rinsed probably three times, then washed my face and stared into the mirror. Rosalie smiled at me in the reflection.

"Take as long as you need," she said, flitting towards the door. "If you need anything, I'll be a second away."

"Rosalie?"

"Yes?" Her pale lashes flickered as her eyes looked up at mine.

"If my baby's a girl, guess what her middle name is going to be?"

She glowed.

When I got out of the shower, I pulled a pair of sweats and a tank top out of my never ending supply. I pulled my hair into a ponytail, then marveled at its length: I hadn't had my hair this long since pre-wolf. It swung at my shoulders even when I tied it up high on my head. I picked up my duffel, glancing around anxiously at the hallway. Where did I belong? Nowhere, cosmically, but on a smaller scale. Cullen house scale.

I heard Edward chuckle downstairs. I growled.

_Easy, Cullen, don't upset the pregnant, unstable werewolf. _

His laughter choked off. Obviously he wasn't in on the secret yet.

"She's _what_?" he said loudly downstairs. I rubbed my head with a headache and dragged my stuff down the hall towards the room I'd slept in. My stomach still felt a little jittery, so I laid down on my side.

Nessie drifted into the room. I smiled.

"Hey, demon spawn," I said affectionately, moving over on the bed for her. She laughed.

"Watch who you're calling that," she smirked, taking my hand. "Might upset your baby."

"Your dad sure seemed surprised when he picked that out of my head," I commented, raising my eyebrows.

"Rosie asked Mom to put up a shield around him for a while so he couldn't get to anyone's thoughts. I guess they wanted to tell him and I better. Mostly so I wouldn't reveal it to Jake via osmosis or something." I grimaced.

"Sorry."

"No big," she said breezily, running a soft hand over my stomach. I sighed, digging myself into the pillows.

"So," she started again, "What's this I hear about Dinah Rosalie Clearwater?" I snorted.

"What if it's a boy, Ness? You could be giving him a complex."

"Oh shut up, if he is, he's the size of a sunflower seed!"

That at least got me laughing.

"So," Nessie started tentatively. "Do you think your baby will...you know."

"Be a wolf?" I said softly. I could tell my eyes were crinkling in the same way Dad's used to when he was thinking sad things. "Maybe. I hope not if she's a girl. It's just too painful." I looked at my stomach. "And...I don't think I can imprint. So yeah, I'm a werewolf, but...I'm incomplete. Everyone else is matched up, but...it's just me and my baby now, I guess. And really, what if I _do _imprint? I don't think I can, but what'll that do to my child?" I looked up at her, eyes fearful. "What can I say? 'Oh yeah Mommy was tired of being alone so she banged a random guy and now I don't need you because I've got my soul mate?' I _can't_ do that. I know what it's like to be left behind by an imprint. It's terrible."

Nessie looked at me, eyes serene. She reached out and, quick as lightning, smacked me on the head.

"Hey!"

"Leah, if there's anything I know at all," she said raising her eyebrows at me, "It's you have to take one step at a time. So shut your fat mouth and let's get some real breakfast." She stood me up. I grinned and ruffled her shiny bronze hair.

"I hope you're this wise when you're pregnant."

I heard Edward choke downstairs and started laughing.

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**AHHH things are okay. I don't know why I'm saying 'AHH' like things are bad. Anyway. Review. **


	10. Child of Fire

**Why I haven't posted: WOO AP CLASSES JUNIOR YEAR WOO COLLEGE WOO PLAY PRACTICE UNTIL I DIE WOO WOO **

**I'm slowly sinking into a vat of despair, paperwork, and the American Pageant. **

**I've got the next chapter written, but I'm kind of going on a reserve basis, I think? **

**Also, tell your friends. Reviews make me happy. :) If you get three friends to review, I'll make a short one shot of your choice! Or a crack fic. Whichever. :) READER LOYALTY YAY**

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A burnt child dreads the fire. Proverb. _

_If someone'd told me I'd be timid one day, or even cautious, I'd have laughed then heckled them until they burst into flames._

_Not today. _

"Nessie and I are going to the rez today," Rosalie said slowly.

I nodded, not meeting her eyes. I stared at the oven, currently toasting an entire pack of french fries. I was ravenous as usual. Rosalie stooped and sat down next to me, staring at the shiny, stainless steel.

"What's the plan?" I mumbled.

"Esme's going to stay up here with you. With earphones. So you can't hear us. Nessie's going to break it to Jake. I'm going to pin him down so he doesn't run right to the house. He's undoubtedly going to phase, and if someone else is wolf, they and Jake are probably going to run right here. Emmett, Carlisle, Alice, and Jasper will stop them before they get inside, and make sure they calm down. Edward's going to tackle Seth so he doesn't rip everyone apart." She rolled her eyes. "The one good thing that's come out of their bromance, Seth won't hurt Edward. And then, my dear, we'll let Seth in. Eventually Jacob once he's not insane. And anyone else you approve."

I pursed my lips, my eyes beginning to water. My throat closed up, and I couldn't say what I needed to, but Rosalie seemed to understand.

"Sam's not allowed," she said, voice hardening. "If he shows up, I'll make sure you won't have any more second cousins."

The image of Sam Uley, La Push's pride and joy, being castrated by my-new-best-friend-the-golden-goddess was thoroughly amusing.

"Rose..." I choked out, "Thank you. Maybe in a few weeks, Em and Susie could visit. With the new baby." I smiled slightly. "When was the baby born? Was it a boy or a girl? Who's the newest Uley?"

"She's about six weeks old. Elizabeth. Ellie."

"What's her middle name?" I asked cautiously.

"Marie," she snickered. I let out a breath, folding my hands over my stomach.

There was a little less to be jealous of.

When they left, I retired to Rosalie's room again, burying my face into the pillows. They reeked. When I looked up, Esme was there, sitting motionless in a gilt chair, smiling. I stiffened for a moment before forcing myself to relax. It was easy. She was the most harmless vampire I'd ever met.

"I thought I could brush your hair, if you don't mind," she said softly. I smiled with some effort.

"That would be nice. My hair's gotten kind of long." It had. I could practically watch it grow.

She produced a soft, silver handled brush. I rolled my eyes, but sat up and turned so that she could curl, catlike, on the bed behind me. The bristles on the brush felt like feathers on my scalp. I closed my eyes.

"You're very brave, Leah," Esme murmured after a long silence. "Taking all of this so calmly. I'm so happy for you." She sounded it. I wasn't brave, though. Just stubborn and desperate.

"Strong, too. The control it takes not to phase. I admire that."

I snorted.

"You don't drink human blood and you admire my control?" I said incredulously.

She laughed.

"That's...that's a compliment, I guess," I said, kind of staggered. "Thanks."

"You're quite welcome, Leah."

We were silent for a few strokes more. Her fingers were gentle and weightless against my hair. I wondered for a moment how long it would take me to get used to the stink, then remembered Jake had become desensitized after a few _months_. I sighed.

"Well," I finally said, "Your husband's got us both beat in the control department."

She laughed again. I liked the sound.

"That he does," she chuckled. "I'm glad you're here, Leah."

And there I was, taken aback again. Rosalie was baby crazy and she'd been in a similar situation, she had a _reason _to like me. Carlisle was a doctor, so I guess he wouldn't exactly turn me away. Esme, though nice to pretty much everyone, didn't have an obvious reason for tolerating me.

"Why? I'm...well, until I needed you guys, I was pretty much an insufferable bitch or a manic depressive vegetable." I winced as I said it, but didn't rescind.

"It doesn't matter," she said softly, tugging at my hair. "I'm just glad you're getting better. You worried Sue and Charlie, and Jacob, and Nessie. Everyone. Seth was tearing out his hair, he was so sure he was guilty in some way." I whimpered slightly. I had some making up to do for him. "And since Nessie's grown and, well, we're not in La Push all that often, I'd enjoy it if there were another baby around." She smiled widely. I put my hands over my stomach, tears filling my eyes. She was just pure, unadulterated _charity. _

"Do...what's going to happen to me?" I whispered.

She paused for a while.

"You can stay here for as long as you want," Esme finally said. "At some point Carlisle might request you go on bed rest, which might work out better for all involved if you stayed here. Certainly you're going to be coming weekly or biweekly for treatment and scans. No chances with this child." I felt her smile. "But, if you decide that it is best that you stay here until after the birth, considering the stress and risk in La Push...well, you are welcome."

My heart swelled up, tears springing to my eyes. I turned around and buried my face in her cold, hard neck.

"Thank you," I sobbed quietly, "Thank you."

"Hush, hush," Esme crooned. My eyes slowly stopped streaming, and weariness overcame me.

"Esme," I finally sniffled, "Where's my---" She produced the mp3 player out of nowhere. I smiled tremulously and slipped the earphones in.

"I'm going to take a nap. Will...will you stay?"

"Of course, Leah." She stroked my hair once more, then returned to curl on the gilt chair again, picking up a thick copy of some book in what looked like some Romance language. My eyelids crashed shut.

-------------------

My eyes snapped open, despite the earphones blocking my ears, when the first howl sounded. It was almost subsonic, and I'm sure Esme didn't hear it. It wasn't even my super hearing that told me the wolves were coming: a small part of me was still part of the pack.

My fingers trembled, and my breathing picked up. I rolled over, feigning sleep again, but Esme had seen my panicked face as my eyes opened, and she heard my heart rate accelerate and saw my fingers tremble. She sucked in a breath, walking over to rub my back.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I wish we were further away. You shouldn't have to hear this."

"No," I whimpered, "I deserve everything I get. I left everyone thinking I was dead."

I could actually hear the first snarls now, far off, but loud and threatening. Jake's. Seth's. No Embry, but he was usually quieter. Quil was probably on summer vacation with Claire.

No Sam. I closed my eyes in relief. I could handle Jake, if Seth wouldn't mind relaying the story.

Edward paced outside on the grass. Emmett and Alice stood silently. I screwed up my face as I heard Rosalie's BMW screech down the beginning of the long driveway.

"Five coming in," Rosalie called out as she screamed to a halt. "Seth, Jacob, Embry, a kid or two. Nessie'll and I---" she grinned, I could hear it--- "can stop Jake. Edward's got Seth, Emmett, you take Embry. Allie, Jazz, take the two." There was quiet agreement as the howls got closer. Brady and Colin were the extras. They howled enthusiastically. They were eighteenish. They didn't, probably _couldn't_, understand what they were doing. They probably didn't even know why they were out here yet, just that Seth was desperate and Jake was pissed at Rosalie. Their thoughts would be too jumbled. So the boys would think that it was bordering war.

"Careful with Brady and Colin. They don't know why they're here." I spoke loudly, knowing they could hear me. "They're gonna come in, guns blazing." I heard someone---Jasper?---curse softly.

"Shut it, Jazz," Alice sighed softly. "I'm too quick. Their fastest wolf is the one we're protecting, remember?" I snorted.

The howls came closer. I could hear feet pounding, breath whooshing, Seth snarling. The vampires outside tensed, and Esme held me tighter. I was terrified for my pack. What if the stupid bloodsuckers got out of control?

But then it dawned on me. Esme was staring at the window.

_She _was worried that _we'd_ hurt _her_ family.

I bolted out of bed, out of Esme's arms. I was downstairs before I knew what was happening, and I tore to the front of the vampires standing outside. Rosalie was immediately at my side, but Seth flew out of the woods twenty yards to my right just as Jake flew out ten yards to my left. Jacob, being the bitch that he was, roared and started towards me, but Rosalie hissed and Nessie walked up, placing her hand on his face. Undoubtedly telling him some story. I couldn't focus on that, because Seth charged towards me, baying happily, tears coating his sandy-furred face. He skidded to a halt in front of me, just barely nudging me with his giant head. I stumbled back a few steps, then grabbed his head in a tight bear hug, sobbing too.

"I'm sorry, Seth, I'm so so so sorry. I'm here now. I won't leave again. I pr...I missed you." I couldn't promise. I couldn't promise for another nine months. I kissed his forehead between his eyes. He backed up, a question in his face. "I can't phase, Seth. I know you're confused." Jake barked deafeningly, a menacing, thunderlike growl echoing from his chest. Seth yelped, shattering my eardrums. He looked at me, alarmed. I sighed, rolling my eyes. "Yeah, thanks Jake. You're a real tool."

Brady, Colin, and Embry, who'd trotted up to the scene now that the attack was off, stood staring at me, mouths agape. I growled at them.

"Okay okay okay! Yeah, Leah's pregnant! Get over it, dumbasses!"

Seth whimpered.

"Phase, Seth. We'll talk about it inside. Jacob," I said tiredly, "Send the cavalry home, alright?" He rumbled at me again, but Seth's growl sent the others packing.

"You're a good beta, bro." I nudged him. He laughed, then gave my face a giant lick. He stopped, looking at me funnily for a moment, then leaned his face cautiously towards my torso. He sniffed at my stomach, then pressed barely the tip of his nose against me.

"Making friends, Seth?" I said softly. His breath rumbled out in snickers. He turned tail and walked into the woods. I waited as the Cullens headed inside. They seemed to figure this was a family moment or something. Jake was sure to ruin that.

Seth strode out of the woods, immediately crushing me to his warm, bare chest.

"Seth," I said as he squeezed me, "Baby."

"Oh!" he said, letting go of me and taking a step away. He shoved his hands behind his back, looking ashamed. "Are you...two...okay?" he phrased slowly.

"Oh get over here," I finally said, exasperated. "I'm not going to _break_, just go easy on the squeezing and no making me fall over and stuff." He grinned sheepishly. "Oh my god I missed you," I said, throwing my arms around him and sobbing into him again.

"Lee," he said weakly, "Lee, don't make me start again, I'm never gonna stop crying if you keep---I missed you so much." He hugged me again and kissed my cheek. Then he seemed to remember something, and he swung me out of so that he could get a good look at me. "Leah. I thought you were dead! You almost _killed _Mom---_oh my god_, we've got to call her."

"Can I...explain first?" I said, wincing. "Where's Jake? I don't want to do it twice. It's exhausting."

"You think that's exhausting," he muttered, but trailed off and let out a breath. "Jake shredded out of his shorts. I've got to get him some. He's back there fuming." Alice flittered out a second later, a pair of sweatpants in her hands. She smiled, then handed them to Seth. He jogged back to Jacob, who put them on with several curses, and a few "these stink like bloodsucker" and shit like that.

_Welcome to my life, Jake. These stink like bloodsucker. _My hands went to my stomach. Seth was looking at me wonderingly, moving of his own accord so that he was between Alice and me.

"Seth? What are you doing?"

"Uh," he looked around. "Don't know?"

Jake stormed up and past us, but jerked to a stop and walked so that he was on my other side. The giants flanked me as I led them to the house. I sat on the couch, Rosalie standing behind me. Seth automatically sat next to me, his arms vibrating. I looked at him questioningly.

"Seth, you're freaking out."

"I don't know _why_," he said, frustrated, as he shook out his arms.

"I might," Carlisle said, calmly walking towards us. Jake's shoulders clenched and he started shaking, too.

"Guys, chill the fuck out," I hissed at them.

"We can't!" they said, glaring at Rosalie and Carlisle.

"May I explain?" the doctor said. "You are the alpha female in the pack." That startled me. Huh. I guess I was. By default. "Therefore, even when you weren't pregnant, they were naturally a bit more protective of you or reluctant to hurt you than one of your brothers. And now that you're pregnant, well, the feeling intensifies."

I took that in for a second.

"You smell different to them, as well. Your hormones are different," he added.

"You smell like mother," Jake muttered reluctantly, nodding.

"Which is why we're freaking out around the Cullens?" Seth questioned.

"Essentially."

"Rosalie?" Jake asked through gritted teeth, "Could you stand back? I just---don't want to flip out right now, and this whole _hormone_ thing is not exactly helping." She looked at me questioningly.

"I'll be alright. Seth'll protect me." Rosalie grinned and flew off to another room. Seth's shoulders unclenched, and his brow smoothed a little.

"So. What. Happened." Jake's teeth were gritted.

I told them the story. Seth got up and left for a minute when I told him about cutting myself again. I stared at my hands while he was gone, refusing to meet Jacob or Carlisle's eyes. I couldn't look at Seth either when he came back, smelling like saline. Then I continued my story. The only thing the boys could do when I told them about Carter was stare at each other.

"Desperate, right?" I said softly, almost laughing. "And so then I realized I had to come back. And I couldn't go to you guys right away, because you'd do something and I'd phase." Seth's eyes were wide and childish again. Jacob's face was buried in his hands. "So?" I said tentatively.

"This...is...weird," Seth finally choked out. "But...I'm going to be an uncle? That's good. And you're okay. At this point, that's even better."

"God Leah, this is messed up," Jake finally spat out. "Sam's going to have to come here and---"

"_No_," hissed Rosalie, instantly at my side again. Seth stood up, snarling at her.

"SHUT UP GUYS," I yelled, my head throbbing with vibration. I closed my eyes, standing up to shake my hands and feet out. Everyone was silent while I calmed down.

"Sorry, Leah," Seth whimpered.

"This is the main reason, at this point," Carlisle interjected, "why Leah is welcome here." Seth's head snapped toward the doctor, mouth agape. "She won't have the temptation to phase while here. No werewolf distractions, unsupervised anyway."

"I'm...I'm going to stay here for a few days at least," I finally said to Jake and Seth's abrupt glares. "For scans. And security."

"Leah," Rosalie said, her face strange. "You've got an apartment, right?"

"Yeah. Right, Seth?"

"Yeah."

"Then," her dulcet voice hesitated, "Then what if I came and stayed with you? At least during some of the later months. To help."

My face split into a giant grin.

"That'd be great. You're welcome any time."

Jake and Seth were looking at me, goggle eyed.

"Girl thing," Rosalie said, rolling her eyes, "Get your tongues back in your heads, it's a whole new ballgame now. There's going to be a little wolf running around this time next year."

That hurt too, panic lancing through my heart.

"Go back to Nat, Sef. She needs to be briefed. Your wolf comes sooner...than mine."

He stood, but lingered, staring at me.

"Protectiveness?" I asked. He shook his head.

"I'm...I want to be sure you're not...going to leave again," he said, each word a struggle.

"Seth," Rosalie said, "She's not leaving. You believe Carlisle and I. I'll tie her down before I let her go." I twitched my face at her.

"Okay," he said, taking my hand. I stood up and hugged him tightly, while he wrapped his arms delicately around me. Jake did the same, and I whispered, "Thanks," as they left.

Rosalie playfully ran her fingers through my hair, jerking me out of my regret and nostalgia.

"Want to go get dinner?" she said softly.

"I guess," I said. "Let me change."

"I'll help," Alice called down.

Unwittingly, I agreed. By the time those two were done with me, I was curled and laced into a corset top (admittedly cute on my still slim frame) and jeans. Staring in the mirror, I could see my scars lacing over my arms, but they seemed faded. I stubbornly laced on my old black converse instead of the shiny heels Rosalie was dangling in front of my face.

"Your loss," she finally sighed.

"Those wouldn't fit me anyway. You're both what, size six shoes? I'm like a ten." I gestured to the only shoes that had survived my irrational phasing period. They still had holes and were covered in stains, but they were perfect.

Alice pivoted in front of the mirror, her denim miniskirt short and incredibly tight.

"Jazz'll like the country look on you," Rose said, raising her eyebrows at her.

"Which reminds me," she said, flying into the other room.

"Your shoes are a reflection of who you are, Leah," Alice said. Alice glided in on red stiletto boots. I glanced at Rosalie's feet. She'd strapped on the gold, sky-high heels, practically the same color as her hair. I looked at my feet.

I could see that.

* * *

**AAAAAAAH I'M VERY TIRED THAT'S WHY EVERYTHING IS IN ALL CAPS AAAAAAH **


	11. Going to Hell in a BMW

**Hey an update. Long. Long. Week. **

**Another note: I can't decide if Leah's child should be a boy or a girl. soooo go on my profile and vote in the poll at the top. =) **

**....That's it. This is kind of an important chapter. I'm trying to decide where this will go. I've got an end goal (obviously), but there's going to be some serious strife on the way. Any suggestions welcome, I'm easily stuck. **

_

* * *

_

_The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Proverb. _

_Stupid well-meaning bloodsuckers._

Rosalie revved the engine higher as Alice giggled and chattered from the backseat. I mostly stared out the window at the familiar roadways. I thought about the preventative phone call I'd given to Mom. She was coming over tomorrow, and that was only from a serious effort at talking her down. It'd really been too long of a day. Alice startled me out of my reverie when she started talking about me.

"So Leah, it's really weird how your whole not phasing thing has affected my visions." I whipped around in my seat to face her. Rosalie stared at her in the mirror, just as nonplussed.

"Um, excuse me?" Rosalie said, her eyes darting to the road every ten seconds or so, probably just to keep me comfortable.

"Yeah, I know, right? After a few months of your business, I started getting clips of the things _around_ you, I think. Like a hotel room, once or twice a restaurant, a library, and then the whole Carter thing. I didn't actually realize it was you, so until you told Seth and Jake the story again, I didn't realize as much." She pursed her lips, her eyes shadowing over.

"Did you see anything else?" I asked quietly, my hands automatically going to the scars on my arms. She locked eyes with me, part pity, part blame.

"I saw the razor, and the blood," she said softly. "And I couldn't smell, of course, so I thought one of us had slipped up and killed someone." Her eyes darkened as she swallowed convulsively. I held out my arm, my lips twisting wryly.

"Take a whiff, you won't be thirsty." She pressed her icy nose against my arm and drew in a breath. Her face crinkled in disgust.

"Thanks, I guess," she said, shaking her head. I could feel the chill of her skin on my arm, almost see vapors frosting off of it. I winced.

"You're welcome."

"But," Alice said, smiling a little, "I keep getting ultrasound pictures."

My heart stopped.

"Are...are they okay?" I stuttered.

"Yeah. They're fine. I haven't gotten too far in the future, but up to three months, you're fine." I smiled.

----------------------------

We got to Port Angeles. They each ordered a plate of food at the restaurant, then passed it to me, smiling. We chattered, but Alice kept glancing at Rosalie with the same sparkling look that she'd given me as she laced me into the corset. After the fourth time that happened, I swallowed my bite and narrowed my eyes at them.

"Okay," I said menacingly, "What are you two going to do to me?"

She replied with a grin and three of the most terrifying words I'd ever heard any vampire utter.

"We're going clubbing!" with such a gleeful squeal that she clearly thought she was doing something good for me.

"No," I said flatly, standing to leave, dragging thirty bucks out of my wallet and throwing it down on my table. I couldn't manage to smile at the waitress as I brushed past her. I sat in the car for a few minutes, alone, waiting for them to get back.

"Leah," Rosalie said sternly, the keys already roaring in the ignition, "You've got to get out of this rut. For your own personal health."

"And so whoring me out while I'm pregnant is totally a good idea," I hissed. Alice blinked reproachfully at me.

"No, but getting you to maybe talk to people and practice acting _sane_ is a good idea," Alice said frostily. I growled, clenching and unclenching my hands. Manageable vibration, but more seething anger.

"We're right, you know," Rosalie added self righteously, "You want to get on with your life? Learn to talk to people again."

My lips pushed out, trembling.

"But," I whispered, blushing furiously as tears beaded up in my eyes, "I'm scared."

The car was quiet for an endless second.

"Why?" Rose finally breathed.

"I always get hurt," I murmured, digging my nails into my arms. "I'm not worth the energy, anyway. People only like me because I'd be dead otherwise and they'd feel guilty." My lip curled, waiting for their response, the typical reassurance that yes, I was loved, no I wasn't worthless, of course people loved me. That pile of crap.

"Leah," Rose growled, "You know what? Maybe it's time you hurt some people yourself."

"What?" Alice and I said together.

"Yeah," she grinned, "Be a heartbreaker. I'm not saying it's going to heal you in one night. It's not magic. But let yourself _relax_ for a night. Your blood pressure's at practically five hundred PSI. Unnecessary. You're doing okay, so why don't you just let yourself feel like it? Act it and it'll come." She turned to me, smiling, as she pulled into a parking space in front of some neon signs.

"That's the best speech since MLK Junior, Rose," Alice said, shaking her head.

"I'm...that's..." I didn't have an adequate response for that, so they dragged me out of the car and pushed me inside. We slid into a small round table near the dance floor.

"Three pina coladas," Alice told the bartender, "Virgins." She smirked at me as a hand flittered to my stomach.

"My favorite," I said. She tapped her forehead, and I smiled shakily.

"Okay, so in a few minutes, someone's going to ask you to dance," she said, her eyes flickering for a second. Fear clawed its way into my chest. "Stop it. You just relax and say, "Yeah, sure. I'm Leah." You don't have to do any more talking than that if you don't want to." I nodded uncertainly, sipping my drink. The sharp, sweet acid of the pineapple coated my tongue, weirdly soothing. I always used to eat pineapple cubes when I was sick or sad, stabbing them directly out of the can with a fork.

They talked about cleaning out my apartment as I scanned the crowd, anxiety spiking when I saw anyone break out from the dance floor. The one with the tattoo of barbed wire around his arm and the glazed look in his eyes? Way too drunk. The one with the purple shirt and the ridiculous, oversize headphones around his neck? Stoner. The one with more metal in his face than the Statue of Liberty? I couldn't imagine talking to him without heckling him about his piercing choices. The one whose face would barely be level with my tits when I stood up? That I couldn't do. The one grinding so hard he looked like he was going to come all over some perfectly nice girl's new dress? Hell no, I was pregnant, and way too empowered to have a random guy dry fuck me on the dance floor. I lost track of the vast amount of guys who almost ran into each other looking at Rose and Alice, glazing over me as I sat in between them. Maybe that was a good thing?

My options weren't looking too good. I sipped my drink uneasily.

Rosalie was staring hard at the crowd, whether to intimidate them or entice them I wasn't sure; she seemed to be doing the former more than the latter. Alice's eyes kept flickering into the future as she stared at certain guys, growing more and more disgruntled as every flicker faded. I let out a small smile. Sitting between the most beautiful women in the room was the surefire way _not_ to attract attention.

Unfortunately for me, they seemed to come to that conclusion shortly after I did.

"So Leah," Alice smiled nonchalantly, "Rosalie and I have to go to the bathroom. We'll be back later." She tossed some money on the table for our drinks, then she and Rosalie stood up.

"But guys," I started, panic rising as one hand went timidly to my stomach.

"You'll be fine. You're a wolf. You've dealt with a million things more dangerous than a handful of horny, drunk guys."

And with those practical words of advice and Rosalie's accompanying smile, they were gone. I sat rigid for a few minutes, staring after them as my eyes raked the crowd. Nothing. I looked into my glass, unhappy, then took a deep breath and made a halfhearted attempt to look normal. I pulled up the top, it'd been slipping a little all night, and this was not a good time to look particularly cleavage-tastic. Well, it would have been for a normal person, but not for me.

"Hey," a voice said from behind me. Legit, I almost did a spit take, then stopped myself and turned, hands trembling with nervousness instead of anger. He seemed...well, honestly, utterly unremarkable. His face was nice, stress free, but forgettable; his outfit the same. He was average height, not slim, not fat, maybe a little thick; he was average drunk, not hammered, not sober. _He's just right_, I thought sardonically. "I'm Cole," he said. Average name. "Can I interest you in a drink, or a dance?" He held out his hand to me. I flexed my fingers, then put on a smile I hoped wasn't too fake.

"Sure. I'm Leah." It was like reading from a script.

"Which one? Or both?" he grinned. I rolled my eyes.

"A dance, I guess." _Oh what a stunning display of eloquence, Leah, good one. _

He smirked, as I shakily took his hand. His fingers landed firmly on the side of my waist, and I had to force myself not to bite him. I was practically turning into a vampire. The thought made me smile a little.

We were grinding lightly as I tried not to feel guilty or blush or strangle him. He wasn't really a bad guy, just...average. Boring? Typical?

Maybe that's what I needed. I was too accustomed to werewolves and vampires and pregnancy. Normal? Could I do normal? Sorta. Maybe.

Well I was goddamn going to try.

I seized his hand and dragged him to a booth in the corner, almost immediately sticking my tongue down his throat. He tasted like beer and the barest hint of weed, but he sure didn't mind my forwardness. He crept closer to me on the bench seat, his arm wrapping tighter, dangling down the side of my thigh. I rolled my eyes at him. Man-whore. His other hand went from my shoulder, creeping slowly down. What, did he get all of his seductive moves from _Grease_? The second his hand grazed the lace edge of my corset, I broke away, laughing at him.

"Seriously?" I said. I flew away from him, gleefully grabbing Rosalie's hand as I found her. She was laughing too. We twirled around the dance floor together as I told her the whole gory tale, twirling and laughing. Every male eye in the place was glued to us---mostly her. When we sashayed our way back, a flurry of drinks got brought to our table, again mostly for her, but some for me. We didn't drink any, but arranged them by height and color instead.

"I totally wish I had Edward here right now," Rosalie laughed, "I'd love to hear what everyone's thinking."

"I can help a little," Alice said, grinning larger as she threw herself into her seat. "That girl at the bar keeps wavering between coming over and slapping us, or going to cry in the bathroom. That guy---" she pointed out a mosher on the floor, "Keeps deciding to make his move on Rose," she gestured at her as I mimed vomiting, "or going to get more coke."

"I bet on the other one," I said, closing my eyes against the flashing lights of the club.

"And that one over there," she said, pointing to a face-meltingly hot guy, "has firmly decided that he's going to come talk to you when Rose and I leave. Which we are. Right now. Make sure he buys you a non-alcoholic drink, 'kay?" Rosalie grinned, taking Alice's hand to go dance. I glared after them, but propped my legs up on the chair next to me, looking nonchalant. I scanned the crowd, then started drawing rings around the rims of the glasses. The small round table was almost full of them. I brushed the salt off of a margarita sullenly.

"Hey girl," the guy said. I didn't look up, started balancing glasses on top of each other instead.

"Girl? Huh. I figured I was a woman by now." I glanced up at him through my lashes. Yeah, still incredibly hot. Sigh.

"I can help with making you one if you want," he said, sitting down and helping me stack the glasses into a pyramid. I rolled my eyes when he trapped my hand as we reached for the same glass. I locked eyes with him at the same time, inhaling slightly. He hadn't drunk anything, I couldn't smell anything at all on him.

"Excuse me?" I said, narrowing my eyes. He met my gaze, unashamed.

"Banter, babe," he said, his eyes glittering with a smile.

"Cut out the cute names, kid," I said, raising my eyebrows, "You're not even drunk."

"Let's fix that. You're obviously not having any of these," he gestured to the growing pyramid, "You gonna let me buy you something you're actually going to drink, or do you just want me to help you with the Eighth Wonder of the World?" I raised my eyebrows further.

"What makes you think I'm interested?"

"Natural pigheadedness, I'm told." He shrugged. "What do you want to drink?"

"Nothing. Why are you here?"

"Why are you?"

I glared towards the dance floor, where Alice and Rose spun, surrounded by drooling guys. He followed my eyes, and I heard his breath pick up subconsciously, saw his pupils dilate. He liked what he saw. I curled my lip.

"I see," he said, the barest pant in his voice.

"So if you're going to slobber over them as well, why are you here?" I snapped.

"Because...you're marginally less intimidating, for one." He tore his eyes away from Rosalie's thighs. "Though at this point I seem to be crashing and burning hard enough to merit trying to go over there." I sighed.

"Look, I'm going to square with you. Either you can kiss me right now, I'll reject you, and we'll never see each other again. Or, you can turn it down, and we can maybe have a conversation."

He leaned back in his chair, contemplating. His eyes carefully avoided anywhere south of my jaw as he frowned.

"Why so defensive?" he asked softly.

I stared hard at him. Do I open up? Do I leave?

"You've already made your decision, Leah," I heard Alice whisper softly from across the crowded room. My head twitched in her direction, then I folded my hands and stared at them.

"I'm pregnant," I whispered. His head turned, inquisitive.

"Then why are you here? Where's..." he cut himself off, turning his head. "That was insensitive." I completed his sentence in my head. _Where's the father?_ My chest throbbed hollowly.

"Classified."

"Is your name classified?"

"Are you seriously still hitting on me? I'm not lying. I am pregnant."

"I realize. I pick option three. I'm your new friend," he said, looking at me with a tiny smile. I glared at him for a minute, then slowly puzzled over him. He waited, which was a good sign. Wait, what was I talking about good signs. I didn't _have_ friends! This was ridiculous...

"I'm Leah," I said, sticking out my hand. He took it.

"Finn."

Rosalie and Alice were making faces at me over his shoulder. I jerked my head at the door, scowling.

"Time to go?" Finn said.

"Yeah. Listen, give me your number. Let's be...friends." My lips curved up at the thought. He smirked as we traded phones.

"Now no giving my number to any of those bitches," I glared at the bar, "Pinky swear?" He stuck out his pinky solemnly and I smiled.

We might actually end up being friends.

That scared me.

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**Wooooo so Leah is making friends? Sort of? **


	12. Frenemies?

**A/N: So hey updating. Life kind of got in the way of writing, which kind of happens a lot. Ah well. Read and enjoy. (Also, note: Pestering doesn't make me update faster. It doesn't detract, but it does make me kind of like annoyed.) **

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The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Proverb._

_So what does that make everybody else? _

His hands drifted over my bare breasts, my back arching so that I could press myself against him, only thin fabric melting off of his body, burning off of his body, everything fading except my heat, his heat, and his hands. My lips curved up, and we broke apart, gasping. His eyes grinned at me, and his mouth opened, to say the three little words I needed to hear.

My alarm buzzed next to me and I woke up with a start, crying and cursing. I curled up on my side, cradling my stomach, wailing.

I didn't even know who he was.

"I can't," I gasped, another set of sobs strangling me. "I can't---do this."

Rosalie knew not to come in by now, but these weren't my normal nightmares anymore. They were wonderful dreams---so wonderful that waking up was practically suicide. After another eternity, a bout of morning sickness, and a shaky relapse, I was stable again.

Rose swooped in when she heard me settle, her hair tied back, acting as if she'd heard nothing. I'd learned to read her tightly controlled face by now, though, and she held her mouth sealed so that she couldn't let anything slip out. I winced. Today's episode had been worse than I thought I'd been. She'd actually started wearing jeans, and pajama pants at night. It was stunning. She'd gone from runway model to nurse in about a week flat.

"Your ultrasound is at three, and," she said, raising her eyebrows, "Your phone keeps buzzing. I think it's Finn."

"Yeah," I said, wrinkling my nose. My head swam a little. We'd been texting a bunch. "He's driving up for the ultrasound."

"Are you totally sure he's not like...into you that way? I really don't want you to get hurt."

I smirked at her.

"Okay. Let me put it this way. Have you ever shared Jake's brain?"

She shuddered at the thought.

"Yeah. This is exactly the same as how Bella was with him."

"Ah. The least healthy relationship ever, part two. So this is a good idea _why_, exactly?" She frowned at me.

"It's not. But I've got a vampire to scare him away for me. And I've at least got plenty of distractions from falling for him. And he's nice, but he's...no imprint." My voice felt like it was bleeding. I wanted an imprint so badly that I couldn't even articulate it. I just wanted everything to be set right. Like that magic genetic crap that Carlisle theorized about in his spare, sleepless hours.

I let that soak in for a moment as I brushed past her into the shower.

My little apartment was small, but clean. We'd tornado'd through it with bleach and a vacuum, washing and drying everything, cleaning the cabinets and buying food. Lots of chocolate chips. Enough cookie dough to feed an army. And several pounds of apples.

She and Alice had worked out a schedule where they alternated or semi-alternated nights and days. A few days a week, we would go over to the Cullen house, basically because I insisted on not being annoying and keeping them from their general routines. My mom stayed over once a week. I tried to make myself useful, going over to Seth's house during the day to help Natalie, now down to days rather than weeks, with housework as we talked over names and due dates and trimesters and cravings. She'd been going through two or three packages of Oreos a week. I'd eaten an average of twelve green apples a day for the past month. It was actually kind of a godsend that the Cullens were rich; I wouldn't have been able to pay for groceries without their help. And sure, I felt like I wasn't pulling my weight, but whenever I tried to do something useful, I was shooed away.

Rosalie's phone played half a second of music before she flipped it open.

"Yes, Alice?" I started washing my dishes. "Oh my!" I turned around, dropping my plate with a loud clang into the sink.

"Nat went into labor," she said. I left everything in the sink, barely remembering to shut off the water. Rosalie was flying around, throwing things into a bag. I picked up my purse and her keys.

It took about fifteen minutes to get to the hospital. Rosalie and I burst in. The receptionist recognized Rose and smiled.

"Looking for your father?"

"No, Natalie Clearwater. She's in the maternity ward, but what room?"

The woman tapped frustratingly slow on her computer for a few seconds.

"Room 120 in the---"

We were halfway down the hall by the time she finished, slowing ourselves only at the door. We straightened ourselves self consciously, put on smiles, and walked into the room. It was small and crammed with werewolves, my brother nearest, holding Nat's hand with a look of frantic happiness on his face. Natalie was sweaty and tired looking, but her eyes were locked in Seth's. My throat choked up with tears.

This was me, in six or seven months, minus Seth.

I turned to Rosalie, but she was gone, watching through the glass of the door. She smiled apologetically at me.

"Didn't want to risk anything," she said, eyes downcast.

Right. Blood.

I put on an encouraging face again, swallowing my tears. I went to Seth's side, stroking their arms gently. Mom and Nat's mom were clustered on the other side, fussing over her and messing with pillows and looking at the screens, old hat at this. Nat and I were brand new. I knew she was going to be there for me when my baby was born.

"You're going to be great," I whispered, beaming at her. Seth threw an arm around my shoulders as Natalie turned her teary eyes to me in a smile.

Five hours later, Connor Edward Clearwater was born. My little nephew.

In the chaos, in the wild werewolf celebration that ensued, I slipped out to find Rose. She wasn't in sight, but I closed my eyes and sniffed, letting her icy trail lead me down two floors to a lonely seat in the cafeteria's lounge area. She was glaring at the coffee machine, refusing to breathe and let anyone know she was crying.

"Rosie," I said to her. She didn't turn. I walked up and put my arm on her shoulder. "It's a boy, Rose."

She raised her wide, tormented eyes to me, rage reflecting through the amber.

"I don't care," she choked out. "It's a boy. I'd love to have a boy. I'd DIE for what you two are getting. I'm not sure if you understand. It's the one thing that can never be possible for me! I'd love to have a tiny little boy to be mine, mine and Emmett's, the most important thing that's ever happened to us, but it's impossible."

_The same for me with imprinting_, I wanted to say. But this wasn't the time, and she knew that. I curled around her.

"Hey Rosalie," I said softly. "Once my baby's born...after maybe a year..." She turned and glared towards me. "Do you want me to be your surrogate?"

She literally froze in surprise.

"It'd kill you," she said uncertainly. "And we can't make you into a vampire." But her desire burned under the words.

"I'm still a werewolf. I'm stronger than Bella. And it'd be like take two for Carlisle. He'd know what's happening." I meant everything I said. It was the only thing I could do for her. Her face was slowly glowing with hope, but then turned sullen and embarrassed.

"Um...I'm not quite sure how...vampire...semen...would react with your body chemistry."

I couldn't help it, I started laughing.

"Okay," I chuckled, "We'll ask Carlisle to run some tests, 'kay? I'm not all that into dying anymore anyway."

"Leah, this is huge. Let's think about it for a while." But her eyes were wide with gratitude.

"Yeah. One baby at a time."

She smiled.

"And guess what?" I said, smiling. "I figured something out."

"What?" she whispered.

"I know we missed my ultrasound this morning, but...the baby's going to be a girl."

"How do you know?" she said, raising her eyebrows.

"Because she and Connor are going to be best friends. And I just know. So you've got your namesake, love."

She buried her face into my shoulder and sobbed tearlessly.

I closed my eyes. I was finally pulling my weight.

My phone buzzed. Finn.

"Hey, Finn, what's up?"

"Not much. Why'd your ultrasound get cancelled?" I'd texted him a warning not to come.

"My brother's wife went into labor. I'm an aunt!"

"Oh wow cool! How many babies are there in your life now?"

"I think this is the fourth?" _Susie, Ellie, my baby, and now Connor. _"And he's the only boy in the bunch."

"Except for maybe yours."

"Nah," I said, smiling and twirling a hand on my stomach. "She's gonna be a girl. I can tell."

"Well I hope you're not wrong, whatever you say."

"Me too. Uh, can you come up tomorrow? Rose never really got to meet you."

"She's the blonde one, right?"

Rosalie glared at the phone. She was always 'the blonde one'.

"It's not a bad thing," I said, covering the mouthpiece with my hand. "Yeah," I said, back to Finn. "But she's really important to me. Like she's my best girl friend. So be nice."

"Yeah, no problem."

"See ya." I hung up. I was acutely aware of Rosalie's flickering emotions.

"Um...I really _really_ don't want to shoot a gift horse in the mouth..."

"Especially a pregnant one, and I think the phrase is 'look'," I added.

"But his tone of voice concerns me," she continued, ignoring me.

I squinted warily, trying to remember anything threatening in his voice. "Concerning how?"

"Concerning in its protectiveness. And a little bit of affectionate attachment."

I mulled that over for a moment.

"I think once he sees me freaking out over my ultrasound tomorrow it'll bring it back to reality for him. I mean, what twenty whatever guy wants a kid?"

"That's well reasoned," Rose finally said, smirking at me and linking arms.

"I'd hope so," I sighed, "I've had too much time to think about this crap."

"That's true," she said softly.

The dream repeated itself when I fell asleep that night.


	13. Storm

**...So, how about that wait? I'm sorry. I'm a really shitty updater. But this story's now pretty much done in my head, and I even have another idea. There's this chapter, 2 more, and an epilogue. So...Thanks for sticking with me, I guess. Reviews appreciated. :) **

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_There's always a calm before the storm. Proverb. _

_And being calm was freaking me the fuck out. _

"Okay, you make a left at that road and keep driving 'til you see a pregnant girl in front of some giant trees."

I paced at the beginning of the Cullen driveway, my phone exasperatedly to my ear.

"Gotcha."

"Okay, quiz time. Rosalie is..."

"The blonde one, but don't say that to her face, and your bestie, and...uh, married to...uh, the...I don't know."

"Emmett. 'The big one.'"

"Oh, right. I forgot."

"How can you forget about someone who's like seven feet tall?"

"I've never seen him, that's how!"

"Continue."

"Bella, Edward. On vacation in Hawaii."

"With Bella's cousin, Nessie." The least complex way to explain Nessie. "Go on."

"Alice. Black hair, little, nice, dazes out every now and again. Loves shopping."

"Married to?"

"Jasper. Southern, really quiet."

"Their foster parents are..."

"Carlisle and Esme. Doctor prodigy and his wife."

"Esme's really the kindest person I know," I said, almost absentmindedly. "She really took me under her wing."

"But I thought Rosalie was the one who-"

"Well, yes," I said, flustered, "But. She'd, uh, been in the situation before."

"She-"

"Well, she had Emmett," I covered quickly, "But she, uh, she and Jasper were with other foster parents. Esme and Carlisle took them in when their other foster parents kicked Rose out when she got pregnant."

"Wow, that's...That's something like six foster kids?"

"They were all pretty much legal. It was housekeeping more than anything. They shared the house for a while." My lies were getting more complicated.

"Did she put the baby up for adoption?"

"No," I said shortly. "She...she lost the baby," I lied. "They don't like to talk about it."

"Oh. I see."

I saw a car creeping down the road.

"I see you," I said, waving my hand.

"I...don't see you. Oh wait, are you wearing a blue shirt?"

"Yeah."

"Then I see you."

I hung up the phone.

"How'd you get out here?" he called out through the rolled down window.

"I walked."

"I can't even see the house!"

"It's only a mile or so." He raised his eyebrows. "I need the exercise, I'm going stir-crazy in there. And I'm pregnant, not crippled." I swung into the car carefully, putting a hand on my growing stomach. It wasn't that big, but you couldn't see my werewolf-steroid abs anymore.

"Your hair looks like it's grown a foot," he commented, looking at the thick braid that snaked its way down my neck and between my shoulder blades. My body was all hyped up and super speed, but that translated to my hair growth. It'd slowed down slightly when I stopped phasing, but not enough.

"I know," I grimaced. "It's impossible to keep clean." I pulled it over my shoulder, weighing it in my hand with a frustrated look. "I can't bear to cut it. I haven't had my hair this long since I was eighteen."

"Define 'this long'?"

"Past my shoulders," I said, throwing the braid behind the headrest, almost getting whiplash from the weight. "Or even past my cheeks," I amended. He squinted his eyes at the road for a moment, then shook his head.

"I can't imagine you with hair like that." "It wasn't pretty. I looked like a man, more like my brother than anyone else, really." I looked like a dark, spiky sea urchin perched itself on my head, usually full of dirt and crap. It was necessary though. The first time I phased, until I got my hair cut, I looked like a giant, long haired show dog. Even though my hair now was a pain, it was almost a symbol of my status. I wasn't a wolf anymore, but I wasn't a vampire. I was...a brood mare. I was as close to human as I'd been in years. But I didn't belong anywhere.

We crunched up the driveway. I heard his heartbeat accelerate a little when he saw a few Cullens standing on the porch.

"I forgot what they looked like," he said quietly, staring at the porch.

"Yeah," I muttered, prying myself out of the car. "They get that a lot."

"Carlisle, your hands are _freezing_," I complained.

He chuckled. Rosalie rolled her eyes. Finn didn't get the joke. Alice and Esme were perched on leather chairs by the wall, smiling. Carlisle gently moved the wand across my stomach, jumping and moving, until it settled on a fuzzy white head.

"Oh," I said, tears jumping to my eyes unexpectedly. I bit my lip. Finn cleared his throat awkwardly as Rosalie pointedly placed herself by my side. He took two steps back and stared at the screen with a strange mixture of confusion and amazement.

"That's your baby?" he said. Rosalie curled her lip, rolling her eyes so he couldn't see.

"You really know how to pick them, don't you?" she muttered, too quiet and quick for him to hear.

"Shut it, bitter," I said back to her.

She narrowed her eyes at me for a second.

"So, Carlisle, what's the verdict?"

"On the gender?" he said, ripping a sheet from a printer near his equipment. "It's a girl. Congratulations."

I closed my eyes, feeling like waves were washing around me. I'd been so sure that she was a girl, but this confirmation meant so much...

"What are you going to name her?" Finn interrupted my thoughts.

"I've got the name picked out," I said, watching my fuzzy baby girl on the screen. "But I don't want to tell anyone yet."

_And no Edward around to pick it from my head, _I thought. At least not for now.

"Alright," Rosalie said cheerily when I'd wiped the ultrasound goo off of my stomach. "Let's go."

"Okay," I said, heaving myself off of the table. I leaned too far forward for my belly, and gripped my back to stabilize. My internal gyroscope was constantly confused with the distribution of weight in my body. "See you soon, Finn. Don't be a stranger."

"Yeah," he said, glancing at the screen, now blank. "See you."

My days fell into an uneasy pattern. The monotony was broken only by an occasional visit from Finn, who seemed more shocked every time he saw me. It was as if, every time he saw me, he had to reset his mental image from the girl he'd seen at the club to the five, six, seven, eight months pregnant, hormonal, HUGE woman that I'd become. I flickered from anxious to blankly calm throughout my waiting period, settling in for a blessing or a storm or whatever was coming. It was like a rumble of thunder. I knew something was going to happen, but I didn't know if I should be worried or thrilled.

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**Yep. Thanks for reading. **


	14. Birth

**So...this is the last post. two chapters and the epilogue. I wrote the last chapter literally ages ago, but i had to work forward towards this point. Thanks for sticking with me, and enjoy. love, meggo. **

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The longest mile is the last mile home. Proverb.

_But I'm unbearably close._

The last month crawled. I was due in the second week of April. By the time the first rolled around, I was chomping at the bit, my emotions in a tangled, high strung mess of anticipation. It was all Rose could do to stop me from checking myself into the hospital and having the baby out of sheer willpower. I couldn't even text Finn; he was white water rafting with some college friends for their spring break. Instead of actuallyfocusing on the latest diversion Rosalie had dredged up for me- some movie, a comedy, I think-I tore through my pregnancy book again and again. I figured some of the rules weren't quite the same, but the thick, much-abused manual to motherhood was a security blanket. One more week, I kept telling myself. One more week. Tomorrow, we were moving to the Cullen house until after the birth, and I'd be in unbearable bed rest for two hundred and sixteen hours, at least.

With that daunting prospect ahead of me, I fell asleep on the couch at probably 3 AM, still reading about breastfeeding and contractions, Rose curled next to me silently.

A loud thump woke me up. My book falling to the floor. Vague sunlight slanted through the front windows, which faced southwest. Afternoon. Funny, I hadn't slept this long in a while-

A slow, insistent, urgent pain rumbled inside me.

"Rosalie?" I called, panic coloring my voice. She was immediately at my side.

"Leah," she said in a calming voice, "I think your water just broke."

"I know," I choked out. "I think I'm having a contraction. A week early?" I said, my voice spiraling into shrillness.

"Nothing to be worried about," she called. She darted away from my side. By the time I'd struggled into a sitting position, she had gathered my packed bag, her purse, and the pillow from my bed. She held out a hand to me, gently hauling me up.

I don't really remember the drive to the Cullen house, save for the fact that everything flashed by in a whirl of excitement and strained fear.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck," I hissed as Rose tried to help me out of the car.

"Another one?"

"Yeah," I grunted. "Really bad." Tears sprung to my eyes.

Alice grabbed my bag while Rose gripped my hand as I walked shakily towards the house.

Carlisle had a bed with stirrups set up, but I couldn't sit down, not yet. I felt the compulsive urge to walk back and forth slowly, as though that would ease the lightning pains that were radiating from my center. Alice practically had to order me to sit so that they could check how far I was dilated.

"Six centimeters," Carlisle mumbled, the faintest bit of shock coloring his voice.

"Already?" Rosalie choked, eyes widening.

"She's not even going to make it to when her brother gets here," Alice said sharply. "She needs the epidural now."

They jabbered in quick medical terms, most of which I understood. The one thing I understood most of all, though, was that, no matter what, my baby girl could wait until Seth and Mom got here.

She did, but just barely.

Amy Rosalie Clearwater. Born April 3rd, 6:28 PM, twenty-two perfect inches, seven and three-quarters pounds.

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_April showers bring May flowers. Proverb. _

_More like May hurricanes. But my flower came in April anyway. _

Time for Amy to meet her house.

We'd stayed at the Cullen house in lieu of the hospital, but it was time to go home.

_Sam's face as he looked at me, cradling my little girl. It was a twisted mix of love and sorrow and discomfort, a twinge of regret. I smiled at him, a queen granting her bumbling subject a pardon. He'd been apart from my life for long enough that I didn't need him anymore. This was the first time I'd seen him since before I ran away. _

Cars flashed by occasionally. Rosalie was keeping the speed down, because of the precious cargo in the backseat.

_Seth's face, so full of joy that it overflowed from his face and gave his arms an excuse to wave around ecstatically. Nat's, cradling Connor as she showed him Amy, saying, "Look, Con, look at your little twin!"_

We climbed the porch stairs silently, both transfixed by the child in my arms. Rose held the door for us as we walked into the house. She started fussing, squirming in my arms, then gave an anxious wail.

"She's hungry," I murmured subconsciously. I settled into my rocking chair, unbuttoning my shirt and bra. Rosalie leaned against the doorframe, looking at me with a small touch of envy. I ignored it for now. Her time would come.

_I left Finn a voicemail. He'd never responded. _

"Go home, Rose," I breathed quietly, smiling at Amy on my breast. "I want to feel the house with her in it." She pressed her lips to Amy's forehead, then mine. Goosebumps raised gently on Amy where Rose kissed her, and I pressed my cheek to her so she would be warm again. Her golden eyes were soft as she backed away and looked at us, curled in the rocking chair. Then she left, skittering silently down the stairs. The door closed with a tiny bump.

The house was comfortably silent except for the muted drum of rain on the roof, the slight hum of the refrigerator, and Amy's soft, satisfied sucking. I drew in a shaky, surreal breath, gently switching her to my other breast. Her face crinkled unhappily for a second, and she whimpered, but her face smoothed out and relaxed as she continued to eat. When I felt her slow, I gently sat her up, closing my shirt again. I scooped her up, holding her tight to me, rocking and bouncing back and forth gently. She let out a tiny burp, and I wiped the spit from her mouth.

"Amy," I whispered, "Amy, look! This is my room! And here," I said, edging past the stairs to the even smaller bedroom that would be hers. "It's your room." The tiny changing table and crib all but overflowed into the stairwell. I turned away and rocked her a little slower. Her eyes were barely open, lolling up into her head. She was a few short minutes from unconsciousness-for a few hours. I walked into my room and tucked her gently into the bassinet. I sat on my bed, listening to her breathing. I knew I should be theoretically sleeping, to catch up for the points where I would be awake for long stretches of time, but I figured the patrol schedule had pretty much prepared me for motherhood.

I heard a car crunching up to the drive. I stayed on the bed, loathe to leave Amy even for a second. Until I heard the voice that swore as it climbed out of the car.

"Leah?"

I ghosted down the stairs, opening the door. Finn was staring at me bewilderedly through the screen, his fist about to knock on the frame.

"Uh..." he said, blinking. "Hi. You're..." his eyes went to my stomach, "Not pregnant."

"I know," I whispered, "She's sleeping. Would you like to see her?"

He opened the door and took my hand as I led him upstairs. His feet were loud on the treads. I turned mid-step on the stairs and placed a finger to my lips. He smirked ruefully at me from one step down and nodded. We tiptoed to my room.

Finn stared at Amy stirring in the bassinet, mouth agape. His eyes were a little shiny and his fingers twitched at his sides. After a few minutes, he straightened up and cleared his throat, shoving his hands into his pockets and avoiding my eyes.

"She's cute, isn't she?" I murmured, leading the way downstairs. I curled up on the couch as he sat, still dumbfounded, next to me.

"Yeah," he said, leaning against me. The quiet stretched on for several minutes.

"What's wrong? You look like you got hit by a truck."

"Uh...nah. It's just...you're not pregnant." I turned towards him slightly, raising my eyebrows. "Well no, like I know I sound retarded, but that's seriously like the weirdest thing. I've known you like...for seven or eight months or something, and your dominant personality trait has been 'pregnant'. And stuff that goes along with that. And..." He turned towards me. "I kind of wish I'd known pre-baby Leah. A less maternal, maybe less concerned Leah. I feel like...maybe like I'd have had a chance, if there wasn't something way more important in your life."

I didn't move, but I quietly closed my eyes. There was nothing I could say. He was completely and utterly right. This felt exactly like Jake's memory of Bella choosing Edward, which he'd had on repeat incessantly for months before Nessie was born.

"Leah," Finn breathed softly, eyes closed, lips parted, "I'm going to be perfectly honest. I think I'm falling in love with you." His breath came unevenly, and he leaned in. His kiss was cool, soft. I was breaking, bending, unsure. He tasted sweet. Sam had tasted like smoke. Carter tasted like silk.

Amy slept on.

He moved closer, a hand slowly stroking my face, pulling back my hair. His other hand was on my hip, softly. He was kind, and he was nice, and I was alone with my baby.

My breath suddenly hissed in and I pushed my fingers through his hair, moaning. For a few brief seconds, I indulged myself. He eased his shirt off, then placed his hands back on my waist. My eyelashes dusted his cheek as my hands went to his chest.

His hands were icy.

Then I locked up. I drew my tongue out of his mouth, drew my fingers across his chest and folded them in my lap, gently broke the kiss. I stayed there, inches away, my eyes closed as I let the fragility of the moment resonate. My eyes opened a hair. His were still closed, and he panted, smiling, about to lean in and kiss me again.

"No," I said, standing up. "I have to be honest back. You're probably right. But Amy is what I've got. You know parts of my story, but this is brand new. Maybe I could have dated you when I was eighteen, even twenty, but I'm almost twenty six, and with a baby. I'm so different now. We could be friends, but I know that won't be enough for you. I'm sorry." I gently leaned in and moved his hair out of his eyes, kissed his shocked face on the cheek. "Goodnight. And goodbye." I turned and walked silently up the stairs, closing the door, curling into my rocking chair.

I heard him, his silence dumbfounded.

"I..." he said, sitting up on the couch. The springs shrieked, and I heard the scrape of skin over skin as he rubbed his face and hair. I listened, balled up in the chair as it rocked slightly. He stood, grabbing his shirt. The floor creaked.

The screen door crashed open and closed.

At least I was better at closure than Bella was.

I almost smiled, rocking the bassinet lightly.

* * *

**Epilogue. **

_Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas. Proverb._

_Fleas never sounded so exciting. _

Amy was a month old. After all of my baby weight had metabolized itself, I was dying to go wolf. I hadn't phased in more than a year, and I felt the connection between my pack brothers and I itching, as if it were waiting for me. So I briefly kissed Amy goodbye.

I stood in front of the mirror, contemplating again. I was a bit rounder than before, my hips stretched by childbirth, my breasts heavier with milk, but my stomach was flat again (if not particularly muscular) and I looked essentially the same. My hair was shorter than ever before, even; a fluffy two-inch halo of hair around my head. I wasn't a brood mare anymore, but I was a mother, and my youthful vanities were washing away daily, but that still didn't mean I couldn't look like a badass with a great haircut.

The scars were still there, and always would be. It would be a never ending part of my life, the search for normalcy, the push and pull of human and magic and science and pain and love.

I walked out of the house, vibration building, bursting into flame.

_Welcome home, Leah. _

The rush of consciousness filled in all of the holes in my heart. I'd been somehow locked off from my brother, from Jacob, from Embry and Quil, and now it was all okay.

* * *

So...that's it, loyal readers. It's taken more than a year of shitty updates. I have a vague idea for a sequel, but it's going to be updated even more sporadically and crackheadedly than this was. But here's a little sample, if you're interested:

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Vampire science time, I thought, trepidation building a little.

"After scans and samples, we've found that, though the male genetic material is viable, the eggs are more vulnerable to the initial venom in the transformation. They atrophied before the transformation was even complete."

Rosalie gripped my arm, not letting go even when she heard the cracks of small fissures open up where her fingers clenched. I gritted my teeth, arms shaking. Her breathing was hissing in and out, chest heaving, and a quiet, strangled scream worked its way through her lips.

"Rosalie," Emmett said, taking her hands.

"I'm not finished," Carlisle said quietly. "Esme and Leah and I did a little digging, through the Rochester surveys and censuses. Your younger brothers, Stephan and Gabriel, both went on to have families." Rosalie's eyes widened, reflecting inwards.

"Stephan was fifteen when I died," she said, eyes glassed over and thoughtful. Her use of the word 'died' chilled me, but she seemed not to realize it. "Gabe was only ten. He was going to be our ring bearer." She pursed her lips. I remembered Royce's chilled hands hard on her hips. My hands started vibrating, but I silenced them.

"Go on Carlisle," I said quietly.

Love you, reviews always welcomed and appreciated.


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